


That Kind of Feeling

by BatMads



Series: Until You Return to Me [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gayrentals: Gay friends who are your parents, M/M, Mama Theia, Maria and Theia's wedding, Save victor 2k17, StarKid References, The Backbeat, Victor POV, Victor cries, Yuri strips, Yuri's college friends, Yuri's other best friend, Yuri's ring, just Victor and the rest of us suffering quietly, no slow burn, phichit is pan, tipsy yuri, two page love confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:39:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatMads/pseuds/BatMads
Summary: It's been a rough road, but Yuri and Victor are back together. The trouble is...Victor can't quite bring himself to believe in their happy ever after. Tensions continue as Victor and Yuri head to Maria and Theia's wedding until Victor is forced to open up...Companion to Until You Return to Me (takes place between epilogue and chpt 75), will be updated daily.





	1. Feeling So Lost

_Now boy, you know me well;_  
_Said I'm that kind of feeling,_  
_That kind of soft, that kind of silly._

—V.V. Brown, “Shark in the Water” 

OOO

In May, they flew to Detroit for Theia and Maria’s wedding. The skating season had ended well; Victor had managed to scrape out a gold at the European Championships and a silver at the Worlds. Yuri had taken gold at the both the Four Continents and the Worlds. Both medals had been shipped off to the Gayrentals before Victor could really revel in visible proof that Yuri was now regularly winning gold at competitions. 

But he and Yuri were back together…mostly. He thought. Maybe. Probably? It seemed like they were. They hadn’t had “the talk.” He didn’t know if they were still engaged. He didn’t know how committed Yuri was. Sure, Yuri’s free skate had been…recast to describe how Yuri felt about their relationship, and their second shot at living in Petersburg together so far was going better than the first, but still. There were nights when Victor would wake up abruptly, worried that everything since January had been a dream. That Yuri was still gone, and never coming back. On those nights, he would drag Yuri closer, breathe in the smell that was so uniquely the love of his life—a mix of ice and sweat and scented laundry detergent and his shampoo and the food Yuri had made them for dinner—and reassure himself that Yuri was still there and always would be. 

Whenever Victor did this, Yuri would grumble a little in his sleep, but then he would shift to get more comfortable in Victor’s arms and Victor’s heart would ease that much more. Now that he had Yuri back, he was never letting go. Yuri wasn’t sneaking off in the middle of the night anymore, but if he had been, Victor knew what to do now. He knew how not to make the same mistakes. He wouldn’t lose Yuri so easily again. He would rather die. 

So…wedding. In Detroit. For two people that Victor was getting to know better. He didn’t know how to feel. Nervous, mostly. He and Yuri had never really marked out any formal wedding plans before because Yuri had never won that gold medal, but even so. If Yuri had never left, this could have been them. The truth of that made Victor’s heart ache. Despite everything, he still very desperately wanted to get married to Yuri, wanted to definitively say that he was Yuri’s and Yuri’s was his. Maybe a piece of paper wasn’t completely necessary for that, but Victor still wanted one. Call him old-fashioned, but he did. 

And all of this ran through Victor’s head as he watched Yuri across the bench seat of the cab they had snagged as soon as they had landed. Yuri had given the man the address. Victor had trusted that it was where they needed to go. As always, he was too enraptured in Yuri to care what else was going on. And this new Yuri, well, he was even more breathtaking than the old one. Experiencing amnesia had changed Yuri. He was much more…excited about new things now. He drank in life like if he could never get enough of it. Yuri’s constant awe with the world he found himself in frequently left Victor’s heart in his throat. And everywhere they went together, Victor took Yuri to see the stars. 

Watching Yuri watch the stars was something Victor would never get tired of. 

Right now, Yuri was all but leaning out the window, craning his head to take in everything they passed. Maria and Theia lived in downtown Detroit near the Opera House. Apparently, it was a historically musical neighborhood. All Victor cared about was how Yuri had spent the last twenty-five minutes of the half hour drive there from the airport soaking in the buildings and the people they passed by. 

“Do you remember anything?” Victor asked. 

Yuri glanced over at him. It was a question that Victor hadn’t asked in a while. He got the feeling sometimes that Yuri tired of people asking what he did and didn’t remember, so he avoided it whenever he could. If Yuri wanted to share something, he would, usually. But right now, Victor just wanted to hear Yuri’s voice, and see his smile. 

Yuri shrugged. “A little? I don’t know; it’s hard to tell.” 

His brow crinkled as he thought harder about it. “I didn’t go to school in the city proper; we were a little outside of it. But we’ll see.” 

“How’s your head?” 

Another shrug. Yuri turned back to the window. “Fine,” he said. 

Victor continued to watch Yuri for a moment, but when Yuri didn’t say anything more, Victor opened up the messages on his phone and sent Theia a quick text letting her know they’d be there soon. She replied with a thumbs up. Victor went back to watching Yuri, although he would glance occasionally at the buildings they passed. Detroit, overall, seemed like the kind of city that had once been nice, but had been left to its own destructive devices at some point in the last century. 

The downtown, when they came to it, however, was surprisingly pretty. The air was warm, but not oppressive when they stepped onto the sidewalk. It was a bright and sunny day, a perfect May afternoon. A soft breeze was blowing. It pushed at the hair that fell across Victor’s forehead and ruffled through the short hairs at the base of Yuri’s neck. Yuri reached back to pat them down absentmindedly. He was still turning his head this way and that, taking in the city, the curved concrete of the elevated train track at the end of the street, the tall crème colored skyscraper behind them. When Yuri stepped towards the door, Victor followed. 

The main atrium of the building was beautiful; the perfect mix of classic architecture with modern elements. Sunlight streamed in through glass ceiling and illuminated storefronts and a small seating area on the main floor. Victor checked them into the hotel that dominated the lower floors of the building and they dropped off their things in their room before heading up to Theia and Maria’s apartment. 

“What floor did she say it was on again?” Victor asked, hesitating in front of the panel in the elevator. 

“Seventeen,” Yuri said, reaching over to tap the button. 

The doors shut in front of them. Yuri leaned against the wall of the elevator. Victor was reminded of the night in the hotel in Petersburg, when he and Yuri had met for the first time all over again. 

“You look tired,” he said softly. 

Yuri smiled weakly. His eyes were half closed behind his glasses. “You know I’m not good with jetlag.” 

He held out his arms a little and Victor slid into them. Yuri leaned against him, hands pressed to Victor’s shoulder blades. Victor rested his hands carefully on Yuri’s back, ran them up and down the small knobs of Yuri’s spine. 

“After this,” Victor said, trying to keep his voice light, “we could take a nap, if you’re so tired.” 

Yuri sighed against his chest. “That sounds wonderful,” he said quietly. 

Victor pressed a kiss to Yuri’s temple. Yuri hummed in approval. The doors opened with a small chiming sound and Yuri released him. Victor snagged one of Yuri’s hands and together they walked down the hallway. When they came to the right door, Yuri leaned forward and knocked lightly. He leaned back against Victor while they waited for one of the two women to answer. 

“Are you ready?” Yuri asked. 

Victor chuckled. “Do I have a choice?” 

Yuri chuckled a little himself and pressed a kiss to Victor’s jaw. “No.” 

The door flew open. Victor recognized the woman framed inside the entryway with her short dark hair and big green eyes as Theia from all the times that Yuri had facetimed she and Maria that spring. She had a slight build, and was a tad shorter than Yuri. Her smile, when she saw them, was bright. 

“Yuri!” she screamed. 

Yuri laughed, clear and beautiful. 

“Hello, _Okaa,_ ” he said, stepping forward to wrap her up in a hug. They held onto each for a long moment while Victor stood by, uncertain of what his role here was meant to be. Theia kept one arm on Yuri’s shoulder when they stepped away from each other and she looked up and down. 

“You’re doing well?” she asked. 

Yuri nodded firmly. “Better than ever.” 

“Good.” 

At last, Theia’s eyes turned to Victor. She gave him the same up down look as she had given Yuri. Victor waited, heart pounding, for her to pass judgement. He almost sighed in relief when she smiled and held out her hand. 

“And you must be Victor,” she said. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person.” 

He took her hand and shook it, then let go. “It’s nice to finally meet you too.” 

She dropped her hand and they stood that way for a beat longer, Yuri and Victor together in the hall, Theia framed in the doorway, before Theia stepped aside and waved them into the apartment. 

Theia and Maria’s apartment was small, but cozy. A dark grey couch not unlike Victor’s was pushed up against the wall beneath the windows, and a bookshelf framed the TV immediately to the left. At the far left end of the room was a small kitchen and an island. The majority of the wall space was covered with posters for operas or pictures of Theia and Maria, sometimes posed with friends, sometimes not. Sunlight streamed in through the windows and lit up the room. From what little Victor knew about the two women, the space suited them perfectly. 

“Maria went to go check on something with the florist,” Theia said, scooping a box of thank you notes off the cheerful yellow armchair. She deposited it on the low dark coffee table. She gestured at the chair. 

“Please, sit. Do you guys want anything to drink? How was the flight?” 

Yuri collapsed onto the couch. Victor settled down next to him, and Yuri immediately leaned into him. Victor wrapped his arms around Yuri without even thinking about it. Theia smiled. 

“Long,” Yuri said. “And if you have any water, that would be great.” 

“Do you want some water too, Victor?” Theia asked. 

“That would be nice,” he admitted. 

She bustled off to the kitchen. Victor tugged on Yuri’s ear. Yuri turned his head and kissed Victor lightly on the cheek. His hair tickled Victor’s face whenever he shifted. Victor ran his fingers up and down Yuri’s arm. Theia came back with three glasses of water. She set them down on the coffee table and then handed one to Yuri and one to Victor before she settled down in the armchair. 

“How have you been?” Yuri asked her. He straightened up a little so he wouldn’t spill on himself. Victor missed his warmth. 

Theia chuckled, but it was tired. “Exhausted,” she admitted. “There’s just so much last minute stuff to do. But I’m still excited.” 

Yuri smiled. “I’m glad. I’m excited for you two too.” 

“I just,” Theia gestured vaguely. “I’ve been imagining what this was going to be like since I was a little girl, and I know Maria has been too. I want it to be perfect.” 

Yuri leaned forward and squeezed her hand. “It will be.” 

Theia smiled at him. “And this is why we all think you’re perfect.” 

Yuri laughed and withdrew his hand to scratch at the back of his neck. “I’m not so sure about—” 

The door swung open. Victor, Yuri, and Theia looked up. Maria was standing there, mouth still open from whatever she had been about to say. She had frozen the moment her eyes had landed on Yuri. 

“Tiger?” she asked. Her voice sounded a little choked. 

Yuri sprang to his feet and wrapped Maria up in his arms. She dropped the paper bag she had been carrying and squeezed him tightly. 

“Hello, Mama,” Yuri said. His voice was muffled by Maria’s hair. 

Victor glanced over at Theia. She was watching Yuri and Maria with eyes full of warmth and love and happiness. He wondered if he looked like that when he looked at Yuri. He thought he did. Did it make other people’s heart’s squeeze in the same way the look in her eyes made his? 

Yuri and Maria stepped away from each other. Maria traced the pads of her fingers lightly along Yuri’s cheek. He kept his hands on her arms. She was so small compared to him, shorter than Theia even. And now that she was standing here, Victor could see that the phone camera could never do her justice. She was all curves and wavy brown hair and cinnamon skin. 

“You’re _here,_ ” Maria said, and that was a feeling that Victor could relate to. He smiled. Maria may not love Yuri in the same way that he did, but it was clear that she loved him just as much. 

Yuri chuckled a little. “I’ve missed you,” he said. 

“Oh, baby,” she said. “I’ve missed you too.” 

She pulled him in for another hug, but it was brief this time. She held onto Yuri’s waist with one hand when they let go and with the other, she stretched out and entwined her fingers around Theia’s. She planted a quick kiss on her fiancée’s cheek before she spoke. 

“Why didn’t you tell me he was here?” she asked. 

Theia beamed up at Maria. “I wanted to surprise you,” she said. 

Maria leaned forward and kissed Theia full on the mouth this time. 

“You’re fantastic,” she said as she pulled away. “And I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Theia replied. 

The three of them turned and inevitably turned to study Victor. He smiled good naturedly. 

“Hm,” Maria said. 

Victor could see the way her hand tightened around Yuri’s waist. She looked up at him and he tilted his head to look down at her. There was a smile playing on his lips. 

“He’s better looking in real life,” Maria said. 

“I know,” Yuri chuckled. 

“And taller, I think too.” 

“Taller than me,” Yuri supplied. 

“And he’s good to you?” 

Victor’s heart sang at the bliss that washed over Yuri’s face. 

“Extremely.” 

“Good.” 

Maria smacked Yuri lightly on the butt and stepped away from him. She held out her hand and Victor stood up to take it. 

“Maria,” she said. 

“Victor,” he replied, even though they had already met a hundred times over the phone. 

She looked him up and down. “Don’t ever let him go,” she advised. 

Victor’s eyes flew to Yuri, who smiled at him. He glanced back down at Maria. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied.


	2. When I'm in Doubt

Victor followed Theia into the kitchen area when Maria dragged Yuri down the short hallway to the bedroom so he could try some things on. He set his glass lightly in the sink. It made a small clinking sound. Theia leaned against the counter. 

“I can make you something if you’re hungry,” she said. 

He shook his head. “I’m good.” 

She nodded. Victor shifted awkwardly. They had talked a few times before, once when Yuri had been in the hospital, again when he had been sick with a fever after the Japanese Nationals, and a few times since, but there was something inherently different between talking to someone on the phone and standing with them in their kitchen. Truth be told, he didn’t really know Theia. He was getting to, but he didn’t know enough to just strike up a conversation without Yuri next to him. He glanced away, towards the fridge, and his eyes caught on something. 

All of Yuri’s medals had been pinned to the front door of the refrigerator: the clear glass of the first one he had received this season at Skate Canada, and each of the shining gold medals he had received since, from the NHK trophy to the World Championship from almost two months ago. A picture of Yuri standing between Maria and Theia had been pinned up with them. 

“We took that in Mississauga,” Theia said, noticing what had caught his eye. 

She came up next to him. In the picture, Yuri, Maria, and Theia were standing in front of a fountain. Both women had an arm wrapped around Yuri’s waist and he had his wrapped around their shoulders. Maria, a shit-eating grin plastered across her face, had made a dive for Yuri’s hair, and he was leaning away from her, laughing, although he still held on. Theia, watching the two of them, had raised one hand to her mouth as she laughed too. If Victor hadn’t allowed Yuri to walk out of their apartment a year ago, he might have been in that photo too. Would he have been standing on the edge, laughing like Theia? Or would he have been the one to go for Yuri while Maria stood by and cackled? He could feel Theia’s eyes on him. 

“I’m glad he has you back in his life,” Theia said quietly. “He was—” 

But Victor didn’t get to find out what Yuri was because at that moment, Yuri himself burst into the living room with a loud shout of ‘Mama!’ Maria was on his heels. Victor and Theia turned to watch them dance around the living room and partway to the kitchen for a moment. Yuri had on most of a suit, Maria was chasing after him with a tie clutched tightly in her hand. 

“Just. Come. Here,” she ordered. 

Yuri dived out of her reach again, laughing hysterically. “I can do it myself!” 

When Maria went by him, Victor snagged the tie out of her hands. She stopped abruptly. Yuri did too. He was standing at the other end of the living room, by the door. Victor ran the tie through his hands. It was nice; soft silk, significantly better than any that Yuri would choose for himself. He could see now why Maria had insisted on taking care of Yuri’s outfit. 

He could feel Yuri’s gaze on him. He raised his blue eyes until they met Yuri’s dark brown ones. Yuri was panting a little from the effort he had put into escaping Maria. The tops of his cheeks were flushed too, but Victor thought that might not have been from the exertion. Victor walked slowly towards him. Yuri didn’t move even as Victor reached him and looped the tie around Yuri’s neck. When he tugged on the ends, Yuri made a small step towards him. Victor watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. 

Victor tied the tie in a few quick, efficient motions. Yuri bent his head to watch. Victor leaned back on his heels so that he could see what he was doing. Some of Yuri’s hair tickled his nose a little. When he had finished, Victor lifted up Yuri’s chin and kissed him. 

“You look nice,” he said when he pulled away. He smoothed down the front of the jacket. “You should wear suits more often.” 

Yuri’s mouth was still hanging open a little. His hands, at some point, had fluttered to Victor’s waist. He didn’t move them and Victor wasn’t in a hurry to get him to. Victor smiled. This close, he could see how much Yuri’s pupils had dilated. Victor kissed him again. Behind him, he heard one of the women let out a small eek. He looked back over his shoulder at them and grinned. Maria immediately turned away laughing, Theia had a hand pressed to her mouth. Victor couldn’t tell if she was impressed or horrified. 

“Have I mentioned,” Maria said as she struggled to get her breath back, “how much I like you?” 

Victor’s cheeks flushed. A lot of people liked him, he knew. He didn’t know why. Personally, he considered himself a bit of a mess, but somehow, receiving the praise from Maria was different than getting it from anyone else. It felt more genuine. He hadn’t realized how much he had wanted both she and Theia to validate and accept his presence in Yuri’s life until then. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

Yuri’s arms snaked around him from behind. He could feel Yuri’s breath on his neck when Yuri rested his head on his shoulder. He mumbled something in Japanese too low for Victor to catch. 

“What did you say?” Victor said, turning to look down at him. 

Yuri kissed him chastely on the lips and pulled away. 

“Nothing,” he said with a smile that suggested he had definitely said something. Victor narrowed his eyes. Yuri stepped towards the kitchen area and spread out his arms. 

“What do you think, Mama?” 

Maria studied him for a moment, knuckles pressed to her mouth. After a moment, she pulled them away and walked towards Yuri to study him closer. When she had walked fully around him, she cracked a smile. 

“I think I have damn good taste,” she said. 

Yuri laughed. Victor watched the pair of them and his heart sang. He liked the way Yuri’s shoulders rose and fell, the way Yuri’s head tilted forward and he folded in with every burst of laughter, the way Yuri turned and glanced back at him and smiled. 

“And Victor approves, too, don’t you baby?” 

Victor smiled. “I do.” 

Yuri’s cheeks flushed. He tugged a little at the hem of the jacket, self-conscious. As much as Yuri had changed over the past year, he was still the same in many ways, and, among his family at least, in little moments like this, he still hated being the center of attention. 

“Do you guys want to get something to eat?” Maria asked, looking back and forth between all of them. “I know it must have been a long flight, and airport food is never good.” 

Victor caught Yuri’s eye. Yuri flushed again and looked away. He was still pulling at the edge of the jacket. 

“Actually,” Victor said, turning back to Maria. “I think we’re both kind of tired. We were just going to take a nap or something.” 

Maria smirked. If Victor had been a more modest man, he would have flushed as easily as Yuri then. 

“Do you think you’ll be up for dinner, then?” Maria asked. “Or should we hold off until lunch again tomorrow?” 

“Dinner would be nice,” Yuri said quietly. 

Maria’s eyebrows shot up. She gave him a very pointed look. “Are you sure?” 

Yuri scoffed. He glanced at Victor, then back at Maria. 

“Yes,” he said firmly. 

“Alright,” Maria said, throwing her hands up in the air as she walked away. “But just know I’ll be salty if you cancel on me.” 

“We won’t cancel,” Yuri protested. 

“Right,” Maria said. She had rejoined Theia in the kitchen. The other woman swayed a little as Maria bumped her with her hip. 

“Do you want to meet downstairs around seven?” Theia asked. “There’s a restaurant nearby that we like that we can all go to.” 

Yuri shrugged. “Sounds good to me.” 

He glanced back at Victor. “Does that work for you?” 

Waiting for lunch tomorrow would have been nice…but he knew how much getting to spend time with Theia and Maria meant to Yuri. He nodded. 

“That works,” he said. 

“Good,” Maria said, slapping her hands against the counter. “Now Yuri, you can take that with you if you want. Just don’t mess it up, okay babes?” 

She winked very distinctly at Victor. He laughed. Maria reminded him a little of Chris. If he and Yuri ever did end up getting married, he would have to introduce them. He had a feeling they would hit it off. 

Yuri shot them both a dirty look and retreated back into the bedroom. A few minutes later, he reemerged, back in his street clothes with a garment bag folded over his arm. Victor opened the door for him and waved over his shoulder at Theia and Maria, who waved back. 

“See you tonight,” he said. 

Maria shook her head and leaned over to say something to Theia. Theia shot him a thumbs up as she turned her fiancée. The door closed. He and Yuri were back to standing in the hallway. 

“I like them,” he said. 

Yuri smiled. “I hoped you would.” 

They started walking down the hall. Yuri bumped him with his shoulder. Victor wrapped his arm around Yuri’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to his temple. 

“I love you,” Victor said. 

Yuri sighed happily. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's what's arguably Muse's favorite chapter. Why?
> 
> Because that scene with the tie had more sexual tension than the peanut m&m's scene could dream of having. 
> 
>  
> 
> ~~God, Victor why do you do this to me why do you make me write these things~~


	3. Shark in the Water

Victor was standing in the bedroom in the apartment in Petersburg. The bed was stripped. The end tables were gone. Sunlight streamed in through the big windows. He turned and walked back through the door to the living room. The floorboards were cool against his bare feet. His heart was pounding, although he wasn’t sure why.

“Yuri?” he called.

And there he was, balanced on the balls of his feet as he sealed up a cardboard box with packaging tape. Makkachin was sitting next to him, happily wagging his tail back and forth against the floorboards. Yuri looked up at him, and the light reflected off his glasses just right so that, for a moment, Victor couldn’t see his beautiful brown eyes. The couch was gone, Victor suddenly noticed. And so were his bookshelves and all the books he had read over the years, the books he had fallen in love with before he had had to make time in his life for other things. Things like skating and Yuri and friends.

“Are we moving?” he asked.

Yuri rose easily to his feet. He had had such terrible balance this winter, but the usual easy grace he had always carried himself with before the accident was slowly returning with every passing day. One of Victor’s favorite things to do had always been to just watch Yuri _move._ On the ice, off this ice, when he walked, when he cooked, when he talked. Yuri had always been the loveliest part of Victor’s world.

Yuri laughed, and it was a clear and chiming sound. It reminded Victor of the bells he could hear sometimes ringing from the churches around the city. It was the work of a step for him to stand in front of Victor. Victor stood still as Yuri grabbed his elbows and kissed him lightly.

“You’re not, silly.” He pulled away and turned back to the box. He hefted it in his arms.

“There where did all of our stuff go?” Victor asked.

“ _My_ stuff.” Yuri corrected. “I’m leaving, Victor. We talked about this. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.”

All of the breath escaped Victor in one go. Oh. Of course they had talked about this. It seemed perfectly reasonable now that Yuri should be packing everything up. He would need it when he would go. Victor would be fine without it. How silly of him, to forget. Yuri started walking towards the door. Makkachin followed, jumping around his heels. Makkachin would go too, of course. He and Yuri loved each other so dearly.

“Where will you go?” Victor asked. He was too numb to move. He had never realized how big his apartment was until it was empty, like it was now.

Yuri shrugged. “I haven’t decided yet. But that’s half the adventure, I suppose.”

He glanced down at the poodle. “Get the door for me, will you, Makkachin?”

Makkachin jumped up and pulled down the door handle. The door opened a tad. Makkachin nosed it open further and slid out into the hallway. He had always been such a clever dog.

“Don’t go,” Victor pleaded. “I—I need you.”

Yuri glanced back at him and sighed.

“We’ve talked about this, Victor.”

“But I don’t want you to go.”

“But I have to.”

“But I love you.”

“And I love you too, but I have to do this.” He sounded like he was talking to a child.

Yuri made to move towards the door again.

“Can’t I come with you?” Victor asked.

Yuri looked truly annoyed now. “No, Victor,” he said. He slipped out the door.

“Yuri!” Victor called. He rushed to the door, threw it open.

He was standing on a street. It was a warm evening. He was still in the loose sweatpants and fading t-shirt he wore to bed now that Yuri was back. The cement was rough on the bare pads of his feet.

“Yuri?” Victor called again, a little less certain this time.

Yuri had just left through the door, which meant he should be on this street, shouldn’t he? Victor started jogging down the sidewalk. If he ran, maybe he could catch up with Yuri.

“Yuri!” he called again.

There was a figure standing in the distance. The evening breeze picked up the familiar black hair, illuminated by the golden glow of a single street light.

“Yuri,” Victor said, relieved. He reached Yuri, put his hand on Yuri’s shoulder, turned Yuri around to face him.

Yuri’s eyes were blank. His forehead had been badly scraped and it was bleeding a lot. More blood trickled down from two cuts by Yuri’s right eye. Victor’s heart skipped a beat.

“Yuri?” He asked tentatively.

“Why’d you let me leave, Victor?” Yuri asked hollowly.

“I…I didn’t. I wanted you to stay.”

“But you told me to leave.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You told me to never come back.”

“I would never want that,” Victor argued. “I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“But you said you hated me.”

“I never meant it,” Victor said weakly. He grabbed onto Yuri’s other shoulder. “Please, Yuri, stay with me. Please.”

“Bye, Victor.” Yuri said. He turned away. Victor tried to grab onto Yuri’s sleeve, his wrist, his fingers, but he was falling backwards, into an abyss of some sort. He could see Yuri walking away from the edge as he fell.

“Yuri!” He called again.

He was on the ice. He was in his costume for the “Stay Close to Me” performance. The music was playing; he was supposed to be skating. But all Victor could do was look around wildly for Yuri. He couldn’t remember how to do the piece without the other man. How was it possible that he had ever done this on his own? It was so much better when they skated it together.

“Yuri!” Victor called. “Yuri! _Yuri!”_

“Victor!”

Victor blinked his eyes open. Yuri’s hand was on Victor’s shoulder, left there from shaking him awake. The light next to his bed was on. He could see the bulb, along with his own eyes, reflected in Yuri’s glasses.

“Are you alright?” Yuri asked.

“Yeah,” Victor said. His voice sounded brighter than he felt.

Yuri’s eyes were accusing.

“You were crying,” he said.

Oh. Um…

“Was I?” Victor asked, trying to keep his voice casual. The dream was already slipping from his mind, but he knew the gist of it. He had dreamed that he had lost Yuri again, and how was that something that he could even begin to explain? The situation was complicated. All evidence pointed to the fact that Yuri _wanted_ to stay, but he was different now, too. He might decide he wanted something different to match that new life. He might decide to leave again. He might—

Yuri swiped his thumb along Victor’s cheek and held it up so Victor could see. The telltale remains of tears sparkled on it in the light. Victor’s heart sank.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Yuri asked, more gently this time.

Victor shifted so he could be sitting up a little more, propped against the pillows. He leaned over and kissed Yuri gently on the cheek.

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Just a bad dream.”

He turned so he could flick off the light again. He was just about to pull down on the chain when Yuri spoke.

“And you don’t want to talk about it?” he asked.

Victor rolled back over, cradled Yuri’s cheek in his hand. The other man’s brow was furrowed with worry behind his glasses. Victor’s chest constricted. _He_ had done that. _He_ had made Yuri look so upset all over a silly little dream.

“It’s nothing,” he said again. He kissed Yuri again, just to prove it, and then, before Yuri could protest, he snagged Yuri’s glasses and rolled over to flick of the light. He set Yuri’s glasses down on the nightstand beneath the lamp as well as he could in the darkness that filled the room. They hit the wood with a clatter. Task completed, Victor turned back to Yuri and pulled the other man into his arms. Yuri snuggled into Victor’s warmth and tucked his head under Victor’s chin. Victor breathed in the sweet smell of Yuri: ice and traveling and their laundry detergent and the lingering smell of the place they had gone to with Theia and Maria for dinner that night.

“I love you,” Yuri mumbled into his chest.

Victor sighed. “I love you, too,” he breathed.

Yuri shifted in his arms and then moments later, Victor heard the deep tell-tale breaths that told him Yuri had fallen back asleep. He ran his hands up and down Yuri’s back, reveled in the feeling that was Yuri in his arms. A year ago, he had lain alone in bed for the first time in months thinking that he would never get to have this again. The sick, lost feeling of his dream still tugged at his conscious.

“ _Prekrati._   _Uspokoysya,_ ” Victor whispered to himself. “ _Dyshi, ty ne poteryayesh' yego snova._ _”_

The words didn’t feel right in his mouth, like they were lie, even if he knew, logically, that they were true. Yuri sighed in his sleep, buried himself deeper in Victor’s arms, and Victor remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He pressed a quick kiss to Yuri’s forehead, and then closed his eyes in a lame attempt to convince himself to fall back asleep and back into sweet dreams, the kind he had had a year ago before he had known what heartbreak tasted like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop there it is.  
> It was after this chapter that I realized how not okay Victor was. Like, I knew vaguely that he was suffering but...wow, my friend, just wow. 
> 
> And Yuri! Trying to hard to get Victor to open up! Because Yuri was not just going to let me let Victor be not okay and I love him for it. God bless his soul, he tries so hard. 
> 
> Shame Victor just isn't having it.
> 
> Russian Translations:  
>  _Prekrati. Uspokoysya:_ Stop it. Calm down.  
>  _Dyshi, ty ne poteryayesh' yego snova:_ Breathe, you're not going to lose him again.


	4. A Sweet Little Lie

The next morning, Victor was awoken by the rich smell of coffee. He stirred, and blinked his eyes open slowly before stretching and pulling himself up into a sitting position. A to-go cup was sitting on the end table next to him, steam drifting lazily out of the opening on the lid. Someone had scrawled his name on it with a sharpie. He reached over and pulled off the lid, then took a deep inhale of the fumes. This was good coffee. Not the crappy kind you found in most hotel buffets. He smiled. 

“You like it?” Yuri asked. 

Victor looked up. Yuri was sitting on the arm of the chair in the corner of the room, pulling on a pair of socks. At Victor’s glance, he got up and moved to the bed, sat on the space between the edge of the mattress and Victor’s legs. Leaned in and kissed Victor. 

“I had to guess,” Yuri said, “but I was hoping I’d get it right.”

Victor kissed Yuri lightly, then pulled away, breathing in the smell of coffee again before taking a sip. Perfect. Dark and wonderful. A hint of crème to smooth it all over. 

“You guessed right.” Victor said. “What time is it?”

Yuri laughed and stood up. Victor quietly wished he had stayed, but the view of the sliver of skin exposed at the base of Yuri’s back as he bent to grab his own cup was a good consolation prize. 

“Almost half past eleven,” Yuri said. 

Victor nearly spat out his coffee. As rare as the mornings when Yuri willingly woke up before him were, rarer still were the mornings when he slept this late. 

“You’re kidding,” Victor replied. 

Yuri pulled aside the curtain. The room filled with bright sunlight. Outside, the city bustled by. 

“Nope,” Yuri said. 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Victor demanded. He set his coffee cup carefully on the end table then began the tedious business of freeing himself from the comforter as he scrambled out of bed. Yuri sat on the window ledge and watched, a faint smile dancing on his face. When he had freed himself, Victor leaned over and kissed him lightly. 

“What’s the point of having you around,” Victor muttered into his lips, “if you don’t even wake me up at a reasonable hour?”

Yuri smiled. “I didn’t want to bother you.” He replied. There was the slightest hesitation and then:

“You really did seem so upset last night...”

Victor pulled away, careful to keep his expression blank.

“It was nothing, Yuri,” Victor insisted. “Just a bad dream.”

“It didn’t seem like that,” Yuri argued back. “Victor—”

Yuri was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing. He glanced down instinctively to check who it was. 

“You better answer that,” Victor said, turning away from Yuri towards his suitcase. He could feel the loaded glance that Yuri sent his way even as he heard Yuri pick up the phone and answer with a chirpy hello.

The conversation wasn’t over, as much as Victor would have happily forgotten about it, that much was clear. He didn’t want Yuri to be worried about him. Yuri was already so caught up in everything else that Victor didn’t need to concern Yuri with his problems. He was fine. Really. Just being a little silly, was all. If Yuri was fine with how things were going between them, then there was definitely nothing to worry about, and Victor knew he had always been a little bit more prone to fanciful thinking than quiet and practical Yuri. His imagination was just getting ahead of him. Yuri wasn’t going to leave. It was fine. They were fine. 

Victor half-listened to Yuri while he changed into a pair of jeans and a lightweight shirt. Yuri was just wrapping up the call as Victor finished pulling on a pair of socks. He sat on the bed and waited, enjoying the way the mid-morning light streamed into the room through the window behind Yuri. At first glance, Yuri, with his dark hair and dark eyes and pale skin, seemed to be a child of nighttime, but everywhere he went, Victor had found over their time together, Yuri brought light with him. Whether it was intentional, with his smile and his laugh and his inherently kind nature, or not, as it seemed to be in moments like this, when light pooled around Yuri by complete coincidence, didn’t matter. It was how Victor thought of him now. If Yuri a star, Victor would happily remain caught in his orbit forever.

His mind flashed briefly back to their walk through the empty Petersburg streets last December. Yuri reading aloud a poem that Maria had sent him because she was trying to decide if she wanted it read at the wedding. His mind scrambled briefly for a few minutes before it remembered correctly how the poem had ended:

_ …Ah, but I don’t blame you; I’ll never burn as brilliantly as you. It’s only fair _ __   
_ that I should be the one _ __   
_ to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes  _ _   
_ __ until I find the one where you’ll return to me.

Everyone saw him as Victor Nikiforov: The Living Legend, and it was a fantastic title, full of glory and triumph and the promise of greatness, but it was also an empty one. He hadn’t realized how much he resented it until he met Yuri, and seen Yuri’s quiet brilliance. He’d had to constantly bite off a smile whenever reporters disregarded Yuri to ask about him, had to constantly resist the urge to scream that Yuri was a better skater, a better person, than he could ever hope to be. 

He'd been so upset  last spring  when he had lost seemingly the only person who could give his life meaning. But Yuri was back now. He’d returned. Despite everything, he had come back. So why couldn’t Victor’s heart accept that easy happy ending?

“Alright,” Yuri said with a smile. “I’ll see you in a few. Bye.”

Victor watched as Yuri pulled the phone away from his ear and tapped the screen to hang up. 

“Maria?” he asked. 

“Theia,” Yuri corrected smoothly. “We were thinking about going back to see our good ole alma mater today, if you want to come with. If not, Maria says she’s happy to spend the day wandering around with you.”

“Is she not coming with?” Victor asked. 

His heart thrummed a little and he knew why. He liked Theia, truly, he did, but of the two women, he felt more comfortable around Maria. They had a similar personality, it seemed. Adoring of the spotlight, sure, but also happier in the arms of the person they loved, unafraid of all the world had to offer, desirous of everything. As much as he loved Yuri, he might just take up the offer to spend more time with Maria if it saved him from awkwardly dancing around Theia. 

“She said she’s down for either,’” Yuri said. “Up to you.”

“I’ll come,” Victor replied without hesitation. He twisted his mouth into a smile. “I think it will be fun to see where you went to school.”

Yuri snorted at that, but stood up and stretched. Victor stayed where he was and took a moment to enjoy the view of the span of skin that showed as Yuri’s t-shirt rose up. These were the things he celebrated when he couldn’t physically be holding onto the man he loved: slivers of skin and every curve that made Yuri, Yuri, and perfect moments when the light caught him just right and he  _ shined. _

“I told Theia that we’d meet her downstairs pretty much right now, since it’s a bit of a drive and she wants to look at e _ verything _ ,” Yuri flashed a wry smile. “You get to meet Dolly.”

“Who’s Dolly?” Victor asked, getting the message and rising to his feet. He found his well-worn shoes by the side of the bed and slipped into them. 

“Theia’s car,” Yuri said. “She’s old and extremely prone to temper-tantrums.”

Yuri paused by the door and Victor met him there. Yuri pressed a quick kiss to his lips and then swung the door open. His phone buzzed and he slipped it out of his pocket to check it. Over Yuri’s shoulder, Victor could see Theia’s name lighting up the screen. 

“Phichit’s coming?” He asked after reading the quick message.

Yuri nodded. The door clicked shut behind them and they started down the hall. 

“Believe it or not, I had a pretty tight group of friends in college. Phichit was part of that. Theia would never get married without him there.”

Victor was tempted to ask Yuri if that was something Theia had told him or if he had remembered it on his own, but he refrained. He didn’t want to bother Yuri about everything he had lost that summer, didn’t want to make Yuri think that he worried too much, didn’t want Yuri to feel suffocated by Victor’s curiosity. Yuri was a private person. If he felt the need to open up, then he would. Otherwise, it was none of Victor’s business. 

“So we’re probably going to meet up with him on campus sometime this afternoon once he gets in,” Yuri continued. 

Victor snagged Yuri’s hand as they hurried down the hallway, afraid for a moment, to let Yuri get too far ahead. Yuri pressed a quick kiss to his jaw, but never slowed down. They came to the elevator and rode it down to meet Theia and Maria in the lobby. Yuri leaned on Victor a little, flicking through his phone. 

“I still can’t get over your Instagram handle,” Victor said, because he felt like he needed to say something and somehow fill the silence between them. 

Yuri huffed out a little laugh. “Theia came up with it. Maria wanted something else, but…”

“You weren’t having it?” Victor asked. 

“Wasn’t having it,” Yuri affirmed.

Victor opened his mouth, tempted, as always, to ask what had led Yuri to delete his old account, but he stopped himself. Yuri might not remember, and then he would be embarrassed. Or he may remember, and be embarrassed by the answer. He ran his knuckles up and down Yuri’s back instead. He had this. He needed to be thankful that he had this. 

The elevator doors chimed open. Maria and Theia were there, waiting for them. For a moment, Victor wished that he could have just stayed in bed with Yuri all day, just the two of them. Now that Yuri was back, he wanted to soak up as much of their time together as he could. It was selfish, he knew, but he couldn’t help the thought as it slipped through his mind. But this was important to Yuri, so he would do it. More than that, he didn’t mind Maria and Theia that much, liked them even. This would be a good opportunity to get to know them. 

“Hey, baby,” Theia said. 

Yuri shifted away from Victor and stepped into her arms. 

Maria stood by with a knowing smile. 

“How’s it going, Victor?” she asked. 

He shrugged. “Fine, I suppose. How are you?”

She grinned brilliantly. “Fabulous.”

“Ready to go?” Theia asked. 

Victor glanced over at the two of them. He had heard the low murmur of their voices as they had spoken to each other—exchanging formalities, most likely. Theia stood now with her fingers twined through one of Yuri’s hands. Yuri held out his other and Victor took it. Together, the four of them wandered out onto the street and into Theia’s car. Victor sat with Yuri in the back, long legs folded carefully to accommodate the small space, his head on Yuri’s shoulder. Before he knew it, he had drifted off. 


	5. That's What I'm Bringing

“Victor.”

Yuri was gently shaking him awake. Victor shifted and blinked his eyes open slowly. Sunlight was streaming in through the car windows. Theia and Maria were getting out of the car. He could see them stretching through the windows. He felt like he had just closed his eyes, but he knew the drive must have been longer. He pulled away from Yuri and pushed the door open. Outside, it was a warm, clear day. A soft breeze picked at the hair the swept across his forehead. Yuri slipped out of the other side of the car. Victor watched as he held his hand up to shield his eyes from the sun and took in the campus before him. 

Was it familiar to Yuri? Did he recognize any of the buildings as halls where he had taken classes or libraries where he had studied or places where he had hung out with his friends in his spare time? Had he missed this place, or had he been happier to return to Hasetsu? 

“What do you think, Yuri?” Theia called. 

Yuri glanced over her. “Looks the same as always, it seems. A little alien, but still familiar, you know?” 

She smiled softly. “Yeah, I do.” 

She slid past Victor and met up with Yuri behind the car. She held out his hand and Yuri took it. 

“Feels weird to be back,” Yuri said. 

“How much do you remember?” she asked. 

Victor’s breath caught. Yuri hesitated a moment, and then shrugged. 

“Some. Not as much as I used to, I’m sure, but I think I have what’s really important.”

Theia gave his hand a quick squeeze. “That’s good.”

Together, they set off towards campus. Victor and Maria turned and looked at each other over the roof of the car at almost the same moment. 

“They’re cute,” Maria said. 

Victor gave a small nod in agreement. 

“Yuri never really told me about his life in college,” he said. 

It was an indirect way of saying how he felt, but Maria seemed to understand. She smiled in sympathy. 

“He’s really private, isn’t he?” she asked. “Even with the people he loves. I wonder sometimes if he’s ever trusted anyone with everything. I hope he does, someday.”

Victor’s heart twanged sadly. “Me too,” he said softly. 

“Aw, honey,” Maria said. “Come here, you need a hug.”

Victor gaped at her for a moment, but she was moving around her side of the car to meet him, looking serious, so he walked to meet her halfway. Sure enough, she wrapped her arms tightly around him when they were close enough. 

“He really, really loves you,” Maria whispered. “He’s just…well, he’s Yuri.”

“I know,” Victor said into her shoulder. 

It was strange, how much he hadn’t realized that he needed this, just someone to hold onto him and anchor him and make him feel like the tangle of emotions he carried privately in his heart weren’t such silly things to be feeling after all. Stranger still that Maria had known exactly how he was feeling without him having to say it outright. 

All too soon, Maria pulled away and they turned together to try and find the receding figures of the people they loved. She kept her hand on the small of his back, though, as if knowing he needed that contact, that he thrived off of little touches here and there. 

“Do you think we’ve lost them?” Maria asked. 

“I think they were heading that way,” Victor said, waving vaguely towards a cluster of trees that served to separate one of the quads from the lot where Maria had parked Dolly. 

They started off. Maria kept her arms around his waist and her head on his shoulder. She wasn’t Yuri, but the contact was good enough. Distantly, Victor wondered if his constant need for physical displays of affection made him “needy,” but he didn’t really care. He had always been better at showing people how he felt than directly telling them. That’s why he had kissed Yuri that first time. That’s what had always been what made him a good skater, at the end of the day. Besides him, Maria sighed. 

“Do you ever think about how lucky we are?” she asked. 

“To have Theia and Yuri?” Victor asked. He smiled. “All the time.”

Maria reached down and patted his butt lightly before returning her hand to his waist. 

“See, this is why I like you, Victor,” she said. “You get me. Theia and Yuri…they’re both so quiet. The only time you really see what they’re thinking is when they’re being creative, and I love them both for it, but…”

She sighed again. 

“It’s the worst kind of language barrier,” Victor finished for her. 

“I can’t believe I get to marry her,” Maria said. 

“I can’t believe I get to have him back,” Victor replied. 

Maria chuckled. “I always forget that you two were technically together before all of this happened.”

“I wish I had never let him leave,” Victor said. “There are a million things every day that I wish I had done differently, and even if he’s back now, well…”

He trailed off. He didn’t know quite how to voice what had been haunting him for the last few months, how to put words to the nightmares that had been stalking his sleep, the fears that met him whenever he let his mind wander too far. 

“You two are dating again, though, aren’t you?” Maria asked. He felt her hair shift on his arm as she turned to look up at him. It took him a moment before he could find the words to answer her. 

“I think so?” Victor asked. “I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it. We were engaged, before, you know, and I just…I don’t know if he still wants that, and I don’t know how to ask him if he still wants that because if he says ‘no’ or if he’s not sure, I think it might kill me.”

“Fuck,” Maria said. “You really love him, don’t you?”

Victor glanced down at her. “Call me crazy,” he said, “but I don’t think I really knew what it meant to be alive until I met him.”

“I don’t think that’s crazy at all,” Maria said. “I think people like us—people who are so caught up in chasing after our dreams that the dream—no, not even the dream, the idea of the dream—becomes us—forget what living means all the time. I mean, before I met Theia, I was fine, I suppose. I went out. I had friends. We had fun. But Theia…well.”

“I think when you get used to giving so much of yourself away to the audience,” Victor said slowly. “You forget to keep something for yourself afterwards, and I’m not saying that Yuri  _ gives _ me what I lose back, but he certainly reminds me to save part of it.”

“Exactly,” Maria said, “exactly.”

They stepped onto the quad. Theia and Yuri had evidentially noticed that Victor and Maria were lagging behind because they had stopped by a low wall to wait for them. 

“You two walk too slowly,” Theia teased. 

There was a smiling playing on her lips, and Yuri’s too. Maria broke away from Victor to kiss Theia. Unmoored, he wandered over to where Yuri was leaning against the wall. When he was near enough, Yuri reached forward and grabbed him by the belt loops on his pants to tug him closer. He pressed a quick kiss to Victor’s lips and Victor smiled a little. At times like this, it was hard to believe in the nightmares that haunted him. 

“You talk in your sleep,” Yuri whispered. 

Victor’s heart dropped out. 

“Oh?” he asked. 

“It’s all Russian though. What does  _ ‘ostavat'sya’  _ mean?”

The unfamiliar word was pronounced imperfectly on Yuri’s lips, and his accent shone through, but Victor recognized it all the same. 

“Stay,” he said numbly. 

Yuri frowned and he opened his mouth to say something, but Theia cut him off. 

“Do you have anywhere you want to head to first, Yuri?” she asked. “Anywhere you remember?”

Only Victor, blocking Yuri from the view of the two women, saw the look of irritation that flashed across Yuri’s face before he rearranged it into a smile. Internally, Victor cringed. Of all people, he thought that Theia would know best not to ask about Yuri’s memories. Yuri leaned around Victor to look at his friend with a cheerful smile though. 

“I’m good with going anywhere,” he said. “I want to see how well it matches up with what I’ve remembered—and if there’s anything important that I’ve forgotten.”

Victor turned to see Theia’s response and caught her satisfied smile. 

“So you’ve given up on abandoning your past then?” she asked. 

Yuri snagged Victor’s hand and pulled himself to his feet. 

“There are a few things that I’ve found I want to hold onto.”

Victor turned to look back at Yuri and Yuri kissed his cheek. 

Maria laughed. “I’m glad you’ve changed your mind about that, Tiger.”

The group of them started walking down the path. Yuri leaned on Victor until Victor threw his arm over Yuri’s shoulder and held him close. Yuri sighed happily and Victor’s heart squeezed. He was so, so lucky. So lucky to have Yuri back in his life after losing him. No matter what, he was never letting go. His love for Yuri would persist even when everything else was gone. 

“It’s funny,” Yuri was saying, “when I first started remembering things, a lot of the time, it was meaningless, tragedies and triumphs that happened to someone else. But the more I remember, the more it gains meaning. I actually cried a little over Vicchan the other day. It was like if I’d lost him all over again.”

“That was your dog, right?” Theia asked. “Did you ever end up getting a new one?”

Yuri laughed. “I have Makkachin now,” he said. 

“My dog,” Victor supplied. 

Theia beamed. “That’s adorable.”

“Sure it is, until I realized that I was just third-wheeling the two of them.”

Yuri pressed another kiss to Victor’s jaw. “Nonsense. We love you too.”

Victor landed a kiss on Yuri’s temple. “I know, but I’m needy and I don’t like sharing either of you, even with each other.”

Yuri laughed again. Victor’s heart sang. When he and Yuri had first danced together at the now infamous banquet three years ago, the night had been colored with that mirthful sound. Later, when he had met Yuri at Hasetsu, that same laugh had always betrayed Yuri’s underlying anxiety, every chuckle had seemed almost self-deprecating. It had been hard to reconcile those two different Yuri’s—one who partied and laughed and danced like nothing else mattered and another who was so quick to second-guess his abilities and actions. Victor had sometimes thought the second time around that he would never hear Yuri’s true laugh again, and he had done everything he could to build Yuri up so that he could. Perhaps he was biased, but there was, in Victor’s mind, no sound purer and more beautiful than Yuri laughing, not even the sound of skates pushing off of fresh ice. 

Yuri reached over and brushed away his bangs and Victor was pulled back into the moment. He looked questioningly over at Yuri’s big brown eyes. 

“Where do you go?” Yuri asked quietly. 

“What?”

Yuri frowned. “You…disappear a lot. Inside your head. It’s hard to explain, but I can always tell when you do it. You were doing it just now. So where do you go?”

Victor blinked. Was he really so obvious? 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “Just thinking, I guess.”

Yuri’s frown deepened. “Then why do you always look so sad?”

Victor opened his mouth but was thankfully saved from responding when Theia called Yuri’s name. Yuri looked ahead and was caught in a conversation with her about the campus and their college days. Victor tried not to be too visibly relieved that Yuri’s attention was no longer directly at him. He was smart enough to know that he wasn’t off the hook, but the longer he could delay talking to Yuri about everything that had been troubling him lately, the better. It would be pointless to bother Yuri with something so trivial. He wanted to be able to focus on the  _ now. _ He was with Yuri. That’s what mattered. Why couldn’t he just be happy with that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor is an unreliable narrator 2K17. 
> 
> Honey, Yuri just wants to talk to you. That's why he's annoyed. Memories aren't what's bugging him. Your angst is.  
> Also, I loved playing the game of "how often can Victor say he's fine/everything's fine in one paragraph to establish how not fine he is.


	6. Noticing Me

After wandering around the campus for a while, they ended up in a coffee house just off campus. Evidently, it had been an old haunt of Yuri and Theia’s in college, and Phichit, who was equally familiar with the place, had suggested they meet there later in the afternoon. When Yuri and Theia had said coffee house, Victor had pictured a cozy coffee shop, just like any found along the street, maybe with a warmer atmosphere and more couches than tables.

He had gotten the part about the couches right, but that was about it.

The coffee house was, quite literally, an old house that had been converted into a coffee shop. There was a stone patio out front with a little koi pond and lots of patrons sitting at wooden tables under big, brightly colored umbrellas. Inside, more people sat along the screened-in porch, enjoying the breeze and chatting with one another. At the far end of the porch, a pastry case stuck out from the back corner of the kitchen. In the next room, homemade gelato was on display beneath a glass counter next to the cash register. Chalkboards displaying the menu hung from the ceiling in the kitchen behind the case. The walls were painted a cheerful shade of yellow. Someone had painted “worry is a misuse of imagination” on boards hanging in the small stretch of wall above the crown molding. Everything smelled like chocolate and fruit and coffee.

Victor snaked his arms around Yuri’s waist and pulled him closer. Yuri hummed happily and leaned into the embrace.

“What’s good here?” He asked.

“That,” Yuri said, “is a very good question. Theia!”

She turned and looked at them, a clear question in her eyes.

“What’s that thing I used to get—not when we were doing major crams—the other thing. It was a tea of some sort but also not. Creamy? I think there was something sweet in it too? Honey?”

Theia’s face lit up. “Old standby?”

“Yes. That. I’m getting one of those.”

“Are you a coffee or a tea person, Victor?” Theia asked.

“Coffee,” Yuri said for him.

Victor smiled.

“Get him that fancy that, um…” he gestured vaguely. “I don’t know what it was, but that thing with chocolate and…”

He trailed off awkwardly, and Victor turned his head to see his expression, but he was at a poor angle and only managed to rub his nose against Yuri’s cheek.

Theia smiled gently. “I know, and I’m treating, so go find us somewhere to sit down.”

He felt Yuri sigh beneath his arms, and then Yuri was pulling away, but tugging on Victor’s hands and leading them away from the gelato case and register. Yuri collapsed into a couch in the back of the room and Victor sank down next to him. Immediately, he was swallowed by the worn leather cushion. He leaned his head on Yuri’s shoulder, almost comfortable enough and tired enough to fall asleep again, but not quite. Yuri pressed a quick kiss to Victor’s temple, the pulled out his phone to text Phichit. Victor watched as he typed out the message, watched as Yuri navigated to Instagram, smiled and flashed a peace sign when Yuri took a selfie of them.

“You’re tired today,” Yuri observed once he was done.

“I’m fine,” Victor insisted.

Yuri opened his mouth, probably to object, or to bring up last night again, but Theia collapsed onto the couch next to him and he missed his chance. Maria settled down next to her fiancée with a little more grace. She smiled quietly at Victor when she did. He answered in kind.

“Oh, I’ve missed this place,” Theia said.

She leaned her head on Yuri’s shoulder and he laughed before tilting his own head to rest on hers. He twined one hand through Victor’s fingers and gave a gentle squeeze.

“Theia, you still live here. Nothing’s stopping you from stopping by every now and then.”

Theia made a face as she pulled away. “It’s not the same without you and everyone else and you know it.”

Yuri shrugged. “Fair enough.”

“I have an Old Standby and Chocochino!” shouted one of the baristas. “Chai coffskee and a peppermint mocha!”

Yuri stood up smoothly and tugged Victor to his feet as well.

“Will you grab our stuff too babe?” Theia asked. She had curled happily into Maria’s side and didn’t look like she was planning on moving anytime soon.

Yuri laughed. “Sure.”

Their drinks were lined up neatly on top of the gelato case between a stand full of waffle cones and a small basket of napkins. Yuri handed two of them to Victor and had just grabbed the others himself when someone came up behind them.

“I think that choc— _Yuri_?”

Both Yuri and Victor turned to look at the stranger, or at least, a stranger to Victor; Yuri’s face cracked into a happy smile.

“Patrick!” he said. There was no mistaking the fondness in his voice. Victor’s heart jumped.

The other man smiled and Victor took a moment to look him over. He had soft, dusty brown skin and a face full of freckles beneath a head of short, curly black hair. There was something hesitant in his easy smile, an unspoken tension in his carefully relaxed stance. His eyes widened a little when he saw Victor, but then they flew back to Yuri.

“How have you been? It feels like, well it has been, I suppose, but it feels like forever since I’ve seen you.”

“Yeah, I suppose it has been,” Yuri said. He chuckled a little, glanced down at the coffee cups in his hands. Victor watched him, waited for Yuri to introduce him to ‘Patrick,’ to provide some context for the encounter.

“I’ve been great, though,” Yuri said. “Much better than I was, you know…”

He glanced quickly at Victor.

“Wonderful, actually, all things considered. How about you?”

Patrick gave Victor a quick look too before turning back to Yuri.

“I’m glad to hear it,” he said gently. “And things have been pretty ‘wonderful’ for me too.”

The two of them stared at each other for a moment.

“Good,” Yuri said quietly. “I’m glad.”

Patrick’s smile was smaller now, but also seemed a little more real.

“It is,” he said, mostly to himself. “And me too.”

“Another chocochino and a rainforest mint tea!” The barista shouted.

“Those would be mine,” Patrick said. He followed it up with an awkward little laugh. Victor stepped aside as Patrick and Yuri shuffled around each other so Patrick could grab his cup from the gelato case.

“Well,” Patrick said when they were done, “it was good to see you.”

“You too.”

They shifted hesitantly on their feet, then Yuri took the initiative and leaned in. They hugged, or at least they tried to hug as well as two people can when their hands are full of coffee cups. Patrick stepped away and walked off. He raised one of the cups in a silent salute, which Yuri returned, and then he was slipping out the door and was gone.

“Who was that?” Victor asked.

Yuri sighed. “Let’s go sit down.”

Victor’s heart jumped again at the evasion, but he followed Yuri back to the couch without raising an objection.

“Was that Patrick?” Theia asked as Yuri handed her her coffee.

“It was,” Yuri admitted as he settled down next to her.

Victor handed off Maria’s coffee before settling down next to Yuri. He was burning with questions he was afraid to ask.

“Who’s Patrick?” Maria demanded.

“You don’t know who Patrick Koman is?” Theia demanded.

“Should I?” Maria asked.

“He’s pretty well known in the running world,” Yuri said. “Went to Rio. Did pretty well, actually, too.”

“Um, honey, let’s not forget that he was also your best friend at one point.” The objected.

“Well, yeah,” Yuri admitted, “but I haven’t talked to him in _ages._ Not since, well.”

“Since when?” Victor asked.

Yuri took a sip of his tea. “Since the disaster that was the final weeks of my 2015 figure skating season.”

“Oh,” Victor said

“Mmmmhmmm,” Yuri replied.

“In your defense…you were in a bad place,” Theia objected.

“Haven’t talked to him since and I’m in a much better place now.”

“Okay, the present doesn’t change the past, sweetheart.”

“I’m just saying we’re not really ‘best friends’ anymore. Although I have missed him a little. It was nice having him around.”

“So call him.”

“What would I say, Theia?” Yuri asked. “Thank you for the letter, I’m sorry I completely abandoned you, do you still want to be friends?”

“He wrote you a letter?” Theia asked.

Yuri hesitated. “After the Nationals that year, after things had really gone in the dump and I wasn’t talking to anybody...he came by and tried to get me to come out of my room. When I didn’t, I guess he gave up, but a little while later, he slid a letter under my door. It...it’s basically what got me back in gear and skating again.”

He bumped Victor on the shoulder.

“It’s the reason why I learned the _Stammi Vicino_ program.”

Victor’s heart stopped for a moment, just thinking about that video where he had seen Yuri skate. The video that had motivated him to fly out to Japan and become Yuri’s coach. He couldn’t help, also, but remember skating it with Yuri as a duet for Yuri’s exhibition two years ago. It was a moment of his life he wished he could return to and live in forever. He’d been so happy then. Now…

He forced himself back into the present moment before his thoughts could journey down that death spiral.

“So wait, if he did that for you then why haven’t you called him?” Theia was asking

“We weren’t talking!” Yuri said. “And we haven’t talked since before all that! It would be weird!”

“Wait, that guy you just talked to was _this guy?”_ Maria asked, holding up her phone. Patrick’s Wikipedia page was pulled up. Yuri took another desperate sip of his tea.

“ _He_ was your best friend?” She asked. “How’d you guys meet?”

“Running,” Yuri said.

Victor had the distinct feeling that Yuri was trying to avoid the topic, and for a moment, he considered coming to Yuri’s rescue and changing the subject, but, well…

He was tired of dancing around Yuri’s past. He was tired of staying quiet when he wanted to ask questions and demand answers. He was tired of putting aside what he wanted to make Yuri feel more comfortable. And from what he knew of Maria, she wouldn’t give up this line of inquiry without a fight. Better to get everything out in the open now.

“You met a famous Olympic athlete _running.”_ Maria deadpanned. “ _Elaborate.”_

“To be fair,” Yuri muttered. “He wasn’t famous yet then. And he wasn’t an Olympic athlete yet either. He was just Patrick. And I had no idea who he was.”

“ _Elaborate,”_ Maria said again.

“I was just out running!” Yuri said. “And he went by me and we stopped at the same drinking fountain and started talking and the rest is history.”

“He also briefly nursed a crush on Yuri for like, three or four months,” Theia added. “Which is how they ended up really getting to know each other and being friends in the first place.”

“What?” Victor demanded.

Yuri shot Theia a dark look. “Yeah, but the more he got to know me the less interested in me he was.”

“How is _that_ possible?” Victor asked.

Yuri leaned over and kissed him quickly on the cheek.

“Because I was already lowkey interested in you. And a mess. And he was already a mess himself, so us getting together was a bad idea from the start.”

“Oh.”

“Hi everyone!” Phichit said.

The four of looked up at where the Thai man had materialized in front of them.

“What are we talking about?”

It took them all a moment longer to process that it was indeed Phichit standing before them and that he had arrived without any of them noticing it.

“Phichit!” Theia cried, leaping up. She wrapped him into a warm hug, which he returned.

“Oh, it’s good to see you. It’s been too long, really.”

Phichit laughed as he pulled away.

“I’ve missed you, Theia.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

Yuri stood up to give his former rink mate and friend a hug, then Phichit was leaning down to hug Victor and introductions were being made and Phichit was settling down on the low padded coffee table in front of them.

“How was your flight?” Yuri asked.

Phichit shrugged. “Fine. It was flying. You still haven’t said what you were talking about. Everyone was all in a bustle when I walked in.”

“Patrick was here!” Theia said.

Yuri smiled and took another sip of his coffee.

“How is he?” Phichit asked. He glanced over at Yuri. “Did you two talk? You better have. You two never left things on good terms.”

Yuri shrugged. “Not really, but he’s fine. I think he’s dating someone, but he didn’t say so outright.”

Phichit groaned. “Yuri, you know that’s not good enough.”

“We’re not really friends anymore…” Yuri said.

“They haven’t talked,” Victor added.

This response was greeted with an eyeroll.

“Once you’re best friends with someone, you’re _always_ at least kind of friends with them. Especially with how close you and Patrick are, or, well, were.”

Yuri just sighed and took another sip of his tea. He leaned back into Victor.

“Why do you think he’s dating someone, though?” Phichit asked. “Out of curiosity.”

“Because I looked at Victor and said I’ve been wonderful and then he looked at Victor and said that he guesses things have been pretty wonderful for him too.”

“You got ‘I’m dating someone,’ out of a glance and the use of a single word,” Phichit said. Doubt colored every word.

“We may not have talked in awhile, but he was still one of my best friends. It doesn’t change the fact that I know how he thinks and talks.”

Phichit studied Yuri for a moment longer. “Wouldn’t it be wild if he was dating Nolan?” he asked. “Did he say anything about Victor?”

“Nope,” Yuri asked, “but he was surprised. And yes, it would be wild but I wouldn’t put it past him. They did have the opportunity to meet during the Olympics.”

“Who’s Nolan?” Victor asked.

“Openly gay cyclist that Patrick always thought was hot as hell,” Theia said. “Basically, his celebrity crush.”

“Oh,” Victor said. It was weird, confronting this past of Yuri’s that he had never known. Even before Yuri had lost all his memories last year, Yuri’s past wasn’t something they had talked about often. Occasionally, Hiroko or Minako or someone else would bring something up about Yuri’s childhood, but that was it. Yuri’s college days, beyond his relationships with Phichit and Theia, were a complete mystery to Victor. Now, he wished that he had taken the time to learn more about them.

“Have you ordered?” Theia asked.

Phichit nodded. “Should be up in a minute. I know you guys already did a little bit, but can we go look at campus some more after this? I want to see if anything’s changed, maybe drop in on some friends.”

Yuri shrugged. “Fine by me if it’s fine with everyone else. We were just going to hang out here for a while.”

“Sweet.” Phichit said.

The barista called out an order and Phicht scrambled to go retrieve it. Victor ran a finger up and down Yuri’s arm. Maria started asking Theia about how much they used to hang out here and how she wished she knew about the place sooner. Phichit came back. They talked. Victor tried desperately to hold onto his contentment before it slipped away again. Yuri was here in his arms. His drink—whatever it was—was perfect. He was with people who he was starting to consider close friends. This was good. Life was good.

But somehow, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself of that fact, dark shadows clawed at the back of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey it's Patrick, Yuri's best friend before he met Phichit! (I've always headcanoned that Phichit didn't show up until he was Yuri's roommate when Yuri was a junior in college). More on their relationship later. 
> 
> Also, Muse has informed me that Coffskees are not something found on the average coffeehouse menu (although they're found on mine). So, brief explanation: a coffskee is tea with a shot of espresso in it. I've been told that what Maria orders is also known as a dirty chai, but I'm not changing it in text to preserve the menu of the coffee shop I based it off of. Why? 
> 
> Because, once again, the coffee shop they go to is a real place (although it is not necessarily located in Michigan) and it is high key one of my favorite places in the world. Why is it showing up here? Well, I did some research about potential schools around Detroit that Yuri could have gone too and then where Yuri's rink was and then proximity to that one scene where we see him by the bridge with Ciao Ciao and...yeah. Nothing made sense. Nothing worked. There is no feasible way, in my mind, that any of this is real. So I just ignored it and made my own college town and college using my own experiences and such. Yay for creative freedom.


	7. Wouldn't Cause You Any Harm

Yuri was quiet for the rest of the afternoon. Victor tried not to be bothered about it; he knew there was no reason to be. Mostly, however, the attempt was futile. Patrick had probably once been involved in Yuri’s life as Victor had been, and their relationship had turned to dust. Yuri and Patrick had grown apart. True, Yuri probably wasn’t about to leave Victor and abandon their relationship again, but that didn’t mean that something wouldn’t happen someday that would make him want to. Yuri tended to internalize his problems and isolate himself from others when things went wrong. Victor had been trying slowly to change that habit before Yuri had left Petersburg last year, but clearly his efforts had been in vain. And now, well. Now Victor didn’t even know how to begin to voice his own concerns, let alone try and get Yuri to open up about his. 

They continued to wander in and out of buildings around the campus and the nearby neighborhood after they left the coffee shop, chasing down memories and remnants of the time that Yuri, Phichit, and Theia had spent there. It was like some strange sort of scavenger hunt, to be honest, although Victor had no idea what the prize was supposed to be. Mostly, he just hung near the back of the group with Maria. She would look at him every now and then with a small smile and shrug that he would return. They were both content, it seemed, to let the people they loved revisit this part of their past. 

“Alright,” Theia said as they walked out of a library they had just popped into to see if some book they had hidden somewhere a while ago was still there. “Food? Dinner?”

“Where?” Phichit asked. “Yuri?”

They all turned to look at him, but he had his phone raised to one ear. He raised his hand, held up a finger to ask them to wait a minute. He was wearing the thoughtful frown he always wore when he was trying to solve a problem, or figure out how to do a piece of choreography. Who was he calling?

“The same green as always—the one we used to use as an athletic field. Six minutes. Be there or be…deep fried and thrown in the gutter.” 

A brief pause. 

“Go.”

Yuri was moving before he had finished hanging up. 

“Who was that for?” Maria demanded. 

Theia laughed, and so did Phichit and Yuri. They were all already moving, practically jogging down the path back towards the main part of campus. 

“Patrick!” Yuri called. 

“It’s a game!” Theia said. “First one there wins and he only gave us six minutes!”

“Hustle up or hustle out!” Phichit screamed. 

Maria and Victor gaped at each other a moment before Phichit called back to them again to hurry. 

“They’re insane,” Maria huffed as they set off. 

“In a sweet sort of way,” Victor said with a smile. 

“MARIA! VICTOR!” Theia shouted. “I am  _ not  _ losing this.”

Victor scoffed but picked up the pace, Maria besides them. Up ahead, Yuri planted a hand on a low wall and swung his legs up and over like if it was nothing. Victor tried not to think about how hot it looked as he prepared to make the jump himself. Phichit went over like if it was a hurdle. Theia took time to step up and then jump down. 

“Where…are we even…going,” Maria panted. 

They had caught up with Theia, who chuckled lightly at Maria’s demand. 

“There’s a big green space that’s, I don’t even know how to describe it, but a lot of people use it as an athletic field and it’s closest to the community area, so I bet Yuri figured that’s the best place to give Patrick a fighting chance of actually getting there in six minutes. We used to hang out there a lot when we were in school. So many picnics.”

“What’s with the deep-fried thing?” Victor asked. 

Theia laughed again. “Just a joke between the two of them. Whenever one of them issued a challenge like this, it was always ‘be there or be…,’ and then something completely random and kind of disgusting. Like ‘the gum scraped off the bottom of my shoe,’ or ‘a dead skunk that’s been hit seven times in the summer,’ that sort of thing.”

“Gross.”

“But funny.”

They reached a large expanse of an open green field. In the distance, someone jumped out of a moving truck and hit the ground running. Patrick. Yuri was about a third of the way across the field, screaming Patrick’s name like if it was a lifeline. Patrick was screaming Yuri’s name in the exact same way. Victor watched as the two of them drew nearer to each other and Patrick launched himself into the air, threw his arms around Yuri’s neck. Yuri caught him effortlessly, barely stumbling back a few steps. 

Just months ago, Yuri’s balance had been so bad that an act like that would have had him sprawled out on the ground followed by a desperate attempt to make his world stop spinning. Phichit reached the pair and stood by awkwardly. Moments later, Victor, Maria, and Theia joined him. Another man came jogging up from the direction Patrick had come in. Yuri dropped Patrick, but they didn’t let go of each other. They were both laughing, mirth at their reunion spilling out of their every pore. 

“I’ve missed you,” Patrick said, pulling away at long last. He and Yuri still kept their hands on each other’s arms. 

“I’ve missed you too,” Yuri said. “And I’m sorry, about everything. The way I left things…it wasn’t right.”

“You were in a bad place.”

“That doesn’t excuse what happened.”

“Well, you’re here now,” Patrick said stubbornly. “And that’s what matters. And you’re with Victor! And you won gold…everywhere! What the fuck Yuri!? If I’m upset about anything it’s that you haven’t taken the time to call me up and tell me about all of that!”

Yuri laughed. “I know, I’m sorry. But you went to Rio! Didn’t think you could call me about that? And is this  _ the _ Nolan? How did you end up with  _ the  _ Nolan??” 

Patrick flushed deeply enough that it showed. “I got very lucky.”

“I’ll say!”

Yuri pulled Patrick into another hug. “Oh God, I’ve missed you, Patrick.”

“I’ve missed you too, Yuri.”

“Never again.”

“Never ever, ever.”

“Patrick, babe, I love you but I am very, very confused right now,” the man—Nolan?—that had popped up behind Patrick said.

Patrick reached back and grabbed his hand. 

“Nolan, love, this is Katsuki Yuri. We’re best friends and he is my one true love. We have been apart for almost two years but that doesn’t matter now, does is, dear?”

This last part was directed at Yuri, who smiled wryly. “No it doesn’t, honey.”

He reached out his hand to greet Nolan. 

“It’s nice to finally actually meet you,” he said. “I think Patrick’s been in love with you for as long as I’ve known him.”

Patrick cheeks flushed again. “Thanks for sharing that,  _ Yuri.” _

Nolan smiled, “Babe, please. It’s not like he’s telling me anything I don’t already know.”

As impossible as it seemed, Patrick blushed even more. Yuri laughed. 

“So you’re Patrick,” Victor said. Now that Yuri had made his introductions, well…

Victor was tired of sitting in the backseat and going along with the ride. 

Patrick smiled. “He hasn’t told you anything about me, has he?” he asked. 

Victor shook his head with a smile. The way Patrick said it made it seem more like if he was teasing Yuri that Victor. It was nice. It was just what Victor needed Patrick to do to put him at ease. 

“Nolan knows all about you,” Patrick said to Yuri. “The least you could have done is extended Victor the same courtesy.”

Yuri gestured helplessly and Patrick continued. 

“But I forgive you because you’re you and I get why you wouldn’t have, and I’m sure Victor forgives you too. Right Victor?”

Victor smiled quietly in response. Patrick beamed. 

“Good. Victor forgives you. Now that that’s all settled…” he turned to Maria. “My only assumption is that you are somehow involved with Theia in which case, congratulations. Theia is a wonderful woman and anyone who gets to be in her life should count themselves lucky. If you disagree, leave now. I will fight you.”

Maria’s eyebrows shot up. “I will have you know that I’m her  _ fiancée. _ We’re getting married in two days. And it was me who had to fight for her heart, not the other way around.”

Patrick smile continued to grow, undeterred by Maria’s tone. 

“Good. I’m glad you two are doing right by each other. Now, as for the wedding, I’d love to come,” he said. “But I have a race. Isn’t it great how these things always work themselves out?”

Maria’s jaw dropped. Theia laughed. 

“Phichit, my man, good to see you again. Did you go back to Thailand? I haven’t seen you haunting campus in a while.”

“Got lonely after Yuri left,” Phichit admitted. 

Patrick shrugged good naturedly, unhurt that he had been left behind while everyone else had moved on with their lives in the time since the four of them had last been together. At some point, Patrick had thrown an arm across Yuri’s shoulders. Yuri had an arm loosely looped around Patrick’s waist. They leaned into each other like two parentheses. Victor tried not to be annoyed by their easy closeness. He and Yuri had been peppering each other with kisses and little touches here and there all afternoon. This was the first time they’d really been separated. 

“So,” Patrick said. “Business taken care of, what’s the plan?”

“Dinner,” Yuri said. “I was thinking Colonel’s.”

“Colonel’s. Oooo. Yes. We need to take Maria and Victor and Nolan. We need to get mac bites.”

The two of them started walking off. Theia sighed and it was equal parts exasperated and fond. The rest of them stood there, watching Yuri and Patrick’s receding figures, before they did anything. 

“Welcome to the Yuri and Patrick show,” Theia said, turning to look at all of them. 

“The  _ what _ ?” Victor asked. 

Phichit chuckled. “The Yuri and Patrick show. That’s what we used to call it whenever they were like this, which was pretty much always. It’s funny, get either of them alone and they’re the biggest introverts you’ll ever meet. Put them together and suddenly they’re all over the place.”

“Weirdos,” Theia said, but there was love in her voice.

“I’m glad they’re back together,” Phichit said. “It always felt weird to think of them living separate lives. The last day Patrick came over has to be one of the saddest days I’ve ever seen.”

Theia set off and Phichit stepped into place besides her. Maria and Victor got the cue and fell into place in the back. After a brief delay, Nolan joined them. 

“Nolan Laoch,” he said, holding out his hand. They each shook it. 

“So…” Nolan asked. “Did you guys go here too, or…?”

“I’m with Yuri,” Victor said. He didn’t know how else to phrase it. ‘Fiancé’ had always had a nice ring to it, but that was out of the picture now. And he was afraid to say ‘boyfriend,’ like if that might jinx whatever he and Yuri had. 

“And I didn’t meet Theia until…after,” Maria said. “But I met Yuri last fall at Skate Canada and I adore him.” 

“Yuri and I are both figure skaters,” Victor added. “Well, I used to be. I coach him now.”

“Ah,” Nolan said. “I think Patrick’s mentioned that. You’re something of a legend, aren’t you?” he asked. 

Victor smiled. “Something like that, yeah,” he said. 

He waited for Nolan to say something more, to ask for more information, to provide commentary, anything, but he was met with silence. Maria looped her arm through his and Victor was quietly glad to have her around, another stranger to the past that greeted them. She made him feel less alone, less alienated, less like if this day was proof that he was losing Yuri. 

“Our family grows,” she said. 

“So it does,” Victor agreed with a little laugh. 

“Hey slowpokes!” Theia yelled. 

Victor could see her standing a ways ahead of them in a small cluster with Yuri and Patrick and Phichit. 

“We’re hungry and you’re all holding up the group!”

“Rude!” Maria shouted back. 

“Move faster!”

Yuri and Patrick—still linked together—started walking away again. Victor’s heart stammered. 

“Come on,” he muttered. “We better catch up.”

Maria shot him a curious look, almost as if she could guess the demons that had been haunting him, but she stepped up with her stride with him and didn’t say anything. Once again, Victor was silently thankful. They were here for a wedding. Yuri had just been reunited with a close friend. These were happy things, happy thoughts. He needed to think happy thoughts and push the dark ones aside. He didn’t think he had ever set such a difficult task for himself. 


	8. I Can't Help Myself

Colonel’s turned out to be a small diner in the downtown area of the nearby neighborhood, just around the corner from the coffee house they had visited that afternoon. The table that they chose to crowd around was small, but from the sound of Phichit and Theia and Patrick’s comments, their usual spot. Yuri and Patrick sat down on one side together. Victor sat around the corner from Yuri and Phichit took the seat next to him. Nolan sat as near to Patrick as he could—likely out of self-defense—and Maria and Theia sat across the way from Yuri and Patrick, who hadn’t ceased contact with one another since their reunion. Yuri had loosely grabbed on of Victor’s hands, but he was leaning towards Patrick now, focused on something that the other man was trying to show him on his phone. 

“So that’s graduation?” Yuri asked. 

“Yeah. Gramps came out. Mom made an appearance, but…” Patrick trailed off. 

“She didn’t cause you any trouble, did she?”

“Nah. I had Gramps. And she had a new job or something that she wanted to get back to, so the visit was, thankfully, cut short.”

“Well, that’s good at least.”

“Yep.”

“And then it was the Olympic trials?”

“Yes! But that’s later.” Patrick closed out of his phone. “You still haven’t finished explaining everything, you know, and I want all the nitty-gritty details. So you graduated and went home and thought about retiring but clearly didn’t.”

Yuri laughed. He squeezed Victor’s hand. 

“That’s when Victor showed up.”

“Because you skated that program?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. So Victor showed up,” Patrick glanced over at Victor. “You literally just showed up because he skated your program and you liked it?”

Victor shrugged. “Well, we had sort of met at the Finals.”

Patrick spun back to Yuri. “You met Victor at the Finals? We were still sort of talking then! I thought you said—oh. Oh, Yuri, dear, honey, sweetheart, no. Please tell me no.”

“I also remember a friend telling me that I pole danced too.”

“Babe, no.”

“Unfortunately yes.”

Patrick groaned and collapsed onto the table. “This is why we don’t get drunk without each other,” he mumbled.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk,” Nolan said. 

Patrick peeled himself off the table. “That’s by design, babe.”

Nolan frowned. “Why not.”

Theia snickered. “Yuri and Patrick drunk is, well, it’s something of an ‘event.’”

Victor chuckled. He didn’t regret the way he and Yuri met that first time, even if it wasn’t what most people would call picture perfect. He had been feeling lost and alone. Winning was great, sure, but it was lonely. Everyone thought they knew you so they never took the time to actually get to know you. And he had been losing his inspiration, that vital spark that kept his skating alive. Then there as Yuri, the man who had come in last, the man who had collapsed under the pressure of the finals more epically than Victor had ever seen, laughing and partying and having a good time, and Victor had thought that Yuri must have known some vital secret to life if he could have done so poorly after coming so close but still be happy. Dancing with Yuri that night had reminded Victor what it was like to be alive again. 

“What do you mean?” Nolan asked, and Victor was pulled out of his reverie. He was quietly pleased to be inside this moment, to not be the outsider wondering what everyone else was talking about. 

“Yuri and I, ah, may or may not have a history of losing our shirts.” Patrick said. 

Yuri snorted. “Shirts?”

The two of them looked at each other and started laughing. 

“Socks, ties, belts, pants,” Patrick said. “You know, just, casually.”

“As we do,” Yuri said with a smile.

“Of course,” Patrick admitted. “We’ve never lost our underwear though, that’s the important thing to note. Have not lost underwear.”

“Is that I skill I can put on my resume?”

“Sure,” Patrick said, “right there next to being a giant fucking mess a hundred percent of the time.”

They laughed again, sharing some private joke. Victor was pushed out into the cold next to Nolan again. He squeezed Yuri’s hand a little tighter. 

“Where were we?” Patrick asked. 

“Victor showed up.”

“Right. Then what?”

“He decided to coach me.”

“Bet that was a dream come true. How’d you take it? In your usual fashion, I’d imagine.”

“In my usual fashion would be correct. Didn’t hit me what was actually happening until months later.”

“Naturally,” Patrick looked over at Victor again. “I hope you didn’t scare him too much.”

Victor shrugged and Patrick smiled. 

“Well, I’m glad you two are here now then.”

“Me too,” Victor said quietly. 

“Okay, but while all that was happening: Championships. What happened?” Yuri asked.

Patrick laughed nervously. “I went out too fast and died early. I thought I was done. And it happens sometimes, you know? Like, standing on the line, waiting for the gun, barely breathing, shoulder tight against the guy next to you and then it starts and it’s just—it’s the Championships, and you stop thinking you just  _ go _ and…yeah. What sucks too is that if I had been smart and waited, I probably would have done really well. I was supposed to do really well. Everyone thought I could have done well. But I was an idiot and threw it away.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, I mean, I clearly made a comeback. But it still sucked. And I spent that summer laying around my apartment alone because I didn’t want to be around my Grandpa because  _ people _ and just wishing you were around so we could go somewhere and I could clear my head of all of it but you weren’t because you had fallen too and going on runs because I had to but getting nothing out of it and kind of just wanting to die so it wouldn’t be an issue at all and…”

He trailed off. The expression his face was tense, uncertain of how he would be received. Yuri looked sad, but sympathetic. 

“I’m glad you decided to stick around, Patrick,” he said quietly. 

Patrick’s smile, when it returned, was small. “Seemed like too much effort to do while I was trying to do everything else, because I was still doing everything else,” he admitted. “It wasn’t anything brave. It was just that.”

Yuri freed his hand from Victor’s and threw his arms around Patrick in a tight hug. He mumbled something into Patrick’s shoulder too low for Victor to catch, but Patrick gave a weak laugh. 

“Thank you,” he said, pulling away. 

A big man wearing a greasy apron walked up to the table. Victor thought he looked like a club bouncer who had wandered into a fry kitchen. He was terrifying. He had a paper hat spelling out “Colonel’s” in a happy red font along the sides positioned jauntily on the top of his head. 

“I was wondering when you troublemakers would darken my dining room again,” he grumbled. 

“Donald!” Patrick and Yuri chorused happily. 

“Miscreants.” Donald snorted. “How have you boys been? I’ve been trying to keep an eye on your careers, but it’s not like you have the easiest sports to follow. Why couldn’t you have been hockey players? Everyone likes hockey. Solid game. Easy enough to understand.”

“Hockey is a blessing to the great earth, I will not lie,” Patrick admitted. “But it’s not as good as running.”

“Or figure skating.”

“Exactly.”

“Besides, Donald, I thought you liked our sports?” Yuri asked.

Donald grunted. “Like ‘em? Sure. Like the work of following ‘em? Not so much. Now, what’er you kids having? Usual?”

“Yes, please,” Yuri said. 

“Ditto,” Patrick agreed. “I must say, I’m impressed that you remember. It’s been...what, more than a year since we were here last?”

“I could never forget you two,” Donald said. The way he deadpanned it made it sound like less of a compliment and more of an unfortunate truth. His eyes looked haunted.

Victor snickered and Yuri smiled at him. Donald looked over at Phichit and Theia. 

“Same as always for you two as well? I don’t know your order as well as these two dumbasses’, but I think I’ve got it. Spicy fish tacos and pub burger, right? With chipotle mayo?”

Phichit and Theia confirmed this. 

“Alright. And I’m assuming y’all’ll want mac bites too, so I’ll bring y’all a couple of orders of those. Now, for the rest of y’all. Introductions and orders. Keep it brief if you’re smart. I have a kitchen to run and other customers to take care of.”

Maria started and they went around the table from there. Donald congratulated Theia on her wedding, grumbled good-naturedly about not being invited before laughing and saying he probably wouldn’t have come anyways. He thanked Victor and Nolan for having the patience to put up with Yuri and Patrick and dropped a few comments about how big of fans of theirs Yuri and Patrick had once been. He left with a final warning to everyone to take care of each other and not burn anything down. Victor waited for Yuri and Patrick to start talking again. Now that the concept of ‘The Yuri and Patrick Show’ had been brought up, Victor was sucked into it. 

“Oh my,” Patrick said. “What a year. What a year indeed.”

“But a good one,” Yuri said with a smile. 

“Yeah,” Patrick said, “it was. It still feels like it was just last summer that we would have been packing up Trevor to go to Indy for the summer though.”

“Summers in Indy were good,” Yuri agreed. “I miss going. Lakes aren’t so bad, once you get used to them.”

Patrick laughed. 

“You and your ocean,” he said. 

“Born and raised,” Yuri said. 

“I never got pictures from your last summer,” Theia said, “and I couldn’t go down to visit you guys because I was busy.”

“And I didn’t go because you didn’t,” Phichit said. “I mean, I’m not complaining; all the extra training is what got me to the finals, but still. Where are all of your pictures, guys?”

Yuri and Patrick looked at each other curiously before looking at everyone else. 

“You mean you guys never looked at the Facebook page?” Patrick asked. 

“Facebook page?” Theia demanded. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Sudden realization flitted across Yuri’s face. “Patrick, honey, I don’t think we ever added them.”

The stared at each other for a moment as they tried to work out whether or not this was true. Yuri looked calm, resolved, that he had reached the correct conclusion. Patrick’s brow was furrowed as he tried to remember whether or not this was true. 

“No,” Patrick insisted. “I remember. I added them. We were sitting outside that food truck in…oh my god I never added them.”

“Your phone died,” Yuri said. “You were going to add them, but then it died. So you asked for mine, but I told you ‘in a minute’ because I was sending an email to Ciao Ciao and then I just…never did.”

“That’s right,” Patrick said, snapping his fingers. “God, we’re such a mess. Those tacos were great though.”

“ _ So  _ good,” Yuri agreed. “And piping hot”

“With that sauce”

“And the pineapples”

“The guac was really good too”

“Oh, my God, yes”

“We need to go back”

“Totally”

“Boys!” Theia shouted. 

Patrick and Yuri looked up at her. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh,” Patrick said. “Yuri and I didn’t go to Indy our last summer.”

Yuri snickered. “Patrick missed the turn.”

“So where’d you go…?” Theia asked. She looked, and sounded, like a concerned mother. 

“On,” Patrick laughed. 

“All the way to the end until we couldn’t go any farther,” Yuri said. He was starting to laugh again now, too. 

“And then we came back the long way.”

“Explain,” Theia said. 

“We road tripped across America,” Patrick said with a dopey smile. “That was the Facebook page: ‘Yuri and Patrick Take on the World (Or Part of It, Anyways)’.”

“That title sounds unnecessarily long,” Maria said. 

“You’re unnecessarily long,” Patrick shot back. 

Yuri had pulled out his phone, presumably to pull up the page. He passed it to Theia once he had it. 

“I’m sorry we forgot to add you,” he said sheepishly. 

“In retrospect,” Patrick said. “It  _ was _ weird that you never commented on anything or talked about it with us.”

“You two are a mess,” Phichit said. 

“An incredibly codependent mess, yes,” Donald chuckled as he dropped food down in front of them. 

Patrick and Yuri were immediately picking up food and trading with each other. Donald watched them, a portrait of exasperation. Victor paused, poised to pick up the sandwich he had ordered as he watched the familiar ritual between the two men unfold. Across the table, he noticed that Nolan had done the same. 

“I could do that for you in the kitchen, you know,” Donald said sadly. “It would be a lot less of a mess.”

“Defeats the purpose,” Patrick said, twisting his hand so he could lick some sauce off of his wrist. 

“We like doing it this way,” Yuri added, unrolling his napkin so he could get out his silverware. 

Donald whimpered and walked off. 

“And for the record,” Patrick said, “we are not codependent.”

“Yes you are,” Theia said flatly, cutting her burger neatly in half. 

“Lies,” Yuri said. “We did just fine without each other.”

“Mostly,” Patrick added. 

“Mostly.”

“I think that might be the key word in that sentence,” Phichit said. 

“What, mostly?” Patrick asked. He was getting started on the half of a fruit cup that Yuri had given him. 

“Yeah.”

“I’ll have you know,” Yuri said, gesturing with his fork, “That I just had the best damn season of my life. And I did it without Patrick. And I had a pretty damn good season before that, too. I broke a world record. That I then broke again this year. All without Patrick.”

“Dude, you have a world record now?” Patrick asked. 

“Yeah, I know,  _ right _ ?”

“Man, that’s totally  _ sick.” _

“Didn’t I see that you had broken a record too?” Yuri asked. “In the trials or something? And then again this year at the Championships, right?”

“Yeah! Let me tell you that was wild, like—”

“Boys!” Theia objected again. 

Victor was getting the distinct feeling that Theia had been mothering Yuri, and probably Patrick and Phichit as well, long before Yuri had met her for a second time last fall in Mississauga. 

“So we’re not codependent.” Patrick said. “Ha. Because I had the best damn season of my life too. I went to the Olympics. I got a silver medal. And then I just came ‘round and got a gold at the World Cross Country Championships. We’re both dating the men of our dreams now. And we did it all without each other. Codependent, my ass. Suck it, Phichit. Suck. It.”

“Concurred,” Yuri said. He took a bite of the fried fish that Patrick had handed off to him earlier.

“Yeah, that’s just because you two broke up or whatever,” Theia grumbled. “You weren’t talking. You had to figure out how to survive on your own and I bet neither of you were happy about it. You two used to be inseparable. You’d call each other before every competition. You knew each other’s lives better than you knew your own.”

There was a long pause. Yuri and Patrick picked at their food. Patrick sniffed delicately. 

“You don’t know me,” he said. “You don’t know my life.”

“Then what’s this?” Theia asked, holding up Yuri’s phone. 

Displayed on the screen was a picture of Yuri and Patrick, standing on a beach, arms around each other’s shoulders, staring at the sunset.

“And this,” Theia said, flipping to the next picture. 

A selfie this time, taken by Yuri. Patrick was behind him, flashing finger guns. A face rose up on a giant glass screen behind them. Water spurted from its mouth. 

“And this,” Theia said. 

A second selfie, taken by Patrick, of the two of them lying on a blanket. Yuri’s head was tilted onto Patrick’s shoulder. He looked happy. They both did.

“If I didn’t know better,” Theia said blandly, “I would think that you dated.”

They both glared at her. 

“I came out here to have a good time,” Patrick said after a minute, “and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.”

“Give me that,” Yuri said, holding out his hand. “I want to find something.”

Theia dropped his phone back and Yuri scrolled through, tapped the screen a couple of times. Victor was burning with curiosity, but he held himself back. How close had Yuri and Patrick been? Theia had said earlier that they had only ever been best friends, that Yuri had never been interested in Patrick, and it was before Yuri had ever met Victor anyways, but still. 

Who was to say that Yuri wouldn’t miss Patrick one day and up and leave, go knocking on Patrick’s door, say it was Patrick he was in love with, Patrick who made him happy. It was a stupid thing to think, and illogical too, Victor knew, but he couldn’t help it from popping into his head. Yuri had looked so  _ happy _ . He looked happy now, sitting with Patrick again, Patrick leaning on Yuri’s shoulder to see what Yuri was doing. 

“What are you looking for, Babe?” Patrick asked. 

“The video you made. Of everything.”

“Oooo, stop there. That’s my favorite photo of you.”

“What, this one?” Yuri asked, pausing. “Why?”

“Because it’s you and your ocean,” Patrick said. “And my photography skills were on. Point.”

“Let me see,” Phichit said, leaning forward. 

Yuri dutifully held up his phone. It was a good picture of him, sprawled out on the beach, the tide coming in, the sky a soft pink turning to deep purple. It was captioned ‘On the other side of his ocean.’ Yuri looked untouchably beautiful, lonely in a pretty, made-for-a-museum sort of way. He pulled the phone back. 

“Where’d you take that, Patrick?” Theia asked. 

“California. We tried to follow Route 66 all the way out to Los Angeles and then we went on to Santa Monica.”

“How long did that take?” 

Patrick shrugged and looked over at Yuri. “I don’t even remember, anymore. We took turns driving, stopped whenever we saw something interesting. Fun fact about Route 66 that we didn’t learn until we tried to follow it: Parts of it are closed down now. So that made things a little difficult. Once we got to Santa Monica we went up to Frisco, then to Denver and on until we got home. Fit it into the usual four weeks too.”

“And you just never thought to mention it?” Theia asked. 

Yuri shrugged. “We forgot.”

He glanced back down at his phone again. “I remember this beach. We had a pretty heavy conversation on this beach.”

“What conversation?” Theia asked. 

“The is-this-all-worth-it conversation. The is-this-what-really-makes-me-happy conversation.” Patrick said. “Because we were pouring everything we had into competing and it felt like we were just spinning our wheels and getting nowhere.”

“Which was then followed by a very hard season for both of us.”

“It’s like if a month of happiness brought us half a year of heartache. Not fair.”

“I’m glad we made it through,” Yuri said quietly. 

“I’m glad we found our way back to each other after it all,” Patrick said. “And that we’re leagues ahead of where we were then.”

“On the other side of the ocean,” Yuri said with a smile. 

“On the other side of the ocean.”

Yuri reached out and took Victor’s hand again. He squeezed it gently, then leaned over a kissed Victor’s cheek. 

“I love you,” he whispered in Victor’s ear. 

Victor landed a kiss on Yuri’s nose as he pulled away. 

“I love you too.”

Yuri went back to eating. Conversation shifted, although it stayed fairly focused on Yuri and Patrick and what they had been up to in their time apart. Patrick didn’t balk at asking Yuri what he did and didn’t remember, which made Victor cringe internally, but Yuri didn’t seem to mind. Every now and then, Victor would catch Nolan’s eyes across the table and they would look at each other helplessly. It was oddly comforting to know that Nolan was as much of an outsider to Yuri and Patrick’s relationship as Victor was. Still though, looking at Yuri and his best friend…it left Victor feeling overwhelmingly…separate, like that picture of Yuri on the beach, like if an ocean, not the span of a few feet, separated the two of them. In the back of his mind, he heard his apartment door slam, and he sighed. He was being silly. He knew it and he needed to stop. Yuri was right here. Yuri wasn’t leaving. Yuri loved him. 

So why did he feel so lonely?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first thing to note here: Muse is not a shacky editor. There aren't any periods in some of the dialogue between Yuri and Patrick because it's meant to emphasize the fact that they're riffing off of each other (i.e., finishing a thought before the other is done voicing it). Have you ever listed to two people who are really close talk to each other and responses are just _immediate_? That's what's going on here. The style of the way they talk to each other is actually based a lot of how Muse and I talk to each other, because that is my experience with talking with a friends who are as close to me as Yuri and Patrick are supposed to be as close to each other. 
> 
> In other news, Victor continues to not be okay. Nolan is a startled puppy. Phichit is just happy to be back with his friends. Theia and Maria are basking in the glory that is each other. Yuri and Patrick are...Yuri and Patrick. 
> 
> Daftyphun made some art of the picture that Yuri pulls up on his phone that you can see [here](https://daftyphun.tumblr.com/post/158732129119/here-you-go-millyandprudyandfriends). Personally, I think it's lovely and I am forever in debt to her. Dafty, I love you and you are fantastic.


	9. Just Winding You Up

After dinner, the seven of them spilled onto the sidewalk outside of the diner in a small wave. It wasn’t that late, but Victor was tired. He wanted to go back to the hotel, curl up and fall asleep with Yuri safe in his arms. He knew that wasn’t going to happen as soon as Patrick leaned back, stretched and then grabbed Yuri’s hand to spin him around quickly.

“What now?” Patrick asked. He was still loosely holding onto Yuri’s hand. “Backbeat? It’s been a while and I think if we’re doing greatest college hits, that’s another place we need to show the SO’s, you know?”

“Backbeat would be fun,” Yuri agreed. “I want to see if it’s the same as I remember.”

“You know,” Patrick said, “I keep forgetting that you lost everything last summer.”

“I have most of it back now, I think,” Yuri said. “The goal is one day that I’ll be able to forget forgetting.”

Patrick laughed at the subtle joke. Victor smiled.

“Theia?” He asked. “Phichit? You two up for the Beat?”

“Yes please!” Theia said.

Phichit grinned. “I’m of the legal drinking age now. You guys can’t decide to cut me off anymore. Hell yes, I’m going.”

“Great!” Patrick said.

He tugged Yuri along after him and the two of them fell into step together. Yuri dropped an arm around Patrick’s waist. Patrick threw his over Yuri’s shoulders. Nolan stepped up next to Victor and together they considered the pair their boyfriends—was that what he and Yuri were, then?—made. After a minute, they started trailing behind Phichit, Theia and Maria. Theia and Phichit were trying to explain The Backbeat to Maria.

“He’s normally a lot quieter around people,” Nolan said. “And shy like nothing else.”

“Yuri too,” Victor said.

“Will you get upset if I say I kind of hate Yuri right now?”

“Will you get upset if I say the same about Patrick?” Victor rebuked.

Nolan laughed a little. “Fair enough. I mean, I knew they were close—Patrick’s told me about Yuri and everything, not much, but he’s mentioned it here and there—but I never pictured this.”

“I knew nothing,” Victor said.

Nolan winced. “I’m sorry.”

“Yuri’s…private,” Victor said. “And stubbornly independent. Not very good at opening up to people, even me, sometimes. I don’t fault him for it; I know he has his reasons, but sometimes…”

“I understand,” Nolan said softly. “Patrick takes his time sharing too, trying to figure out how much he can trust people with. I think he’s afraid to get hurt. I wish he would just get it through his thick head that I love him and that the last thing I want to do is hurt him.”

“Mmmm.”

They didn’t say anything more to each other after that, not that there was anything more  _ to  _ say. They were both really being dragged along for the ride, two more extras in the wild lives of their boyfriends. It would have been easy, Victor knew, to strike up a conversation again, to get to know Nolan a little better, but the thought was exhausting. Everything seemed like a lot more effort than it was worth. Forget the hotel, he just wanted to go back to Petersburg and sleep in bed with Yuri and Makkachin for days.

Ahead of them, Yuri and Patrick were taking turns spinning each other around, dancing while they walked. They were singing too, some sort of upbeat song that must have meant something to them at some time or another. To any passerby, they would have been the couple, two people who saw their whole world in the other. What kind of person had Yuri been before he met Victor? What kind of life had led? Clearly, he had been happy, or at least, he’d been happy until the Grand Prix Final of Tears, as Victor had come to think of it. He’d had Patrick. He’d had Theia and Phichit. He’d presumably had hopes and dreams and plans that extended beyond skating. He’d had a pattern of life here that Victor could never dream of knowing.

“I wish you could have gone to school with us,” Theia said, turning to look back at Victor and Nolan. “I mean, forget all the impossibilities of distance and circumstance and age. I wish you could have seen what they were like in college.”

“Were they any different than this?” Victor asked.

“No,” Theia said with a smile. “But I wish I could say ‘Remember when…’ to you guys and have you remember just as well as we do. I wish that your first impression of them was them like this.”

“I probably would never have dated Patrick if I had met him like this,” Nolan admitted. “I would have thought that he was in love with Yuri.”

Phichit chewed his lip as he thought about this. “Patrick  _ was  _ in love with Yuri,” he said. “They’re both in love with each other, in their own sort of way. I know they were planning on marrying each other if they were still single when they turned 40.”

“Why?” Victor asked.

“Because they always knew they were better off with someone else in their life?” Theia said. “They were…I don’t know how to explain it. They were boyfriends without being boyfriends. They filled that function for each other without ever getting involved with each other like that or being intimate. I mean, they’ve kissed, after all, so you can’t really say they’re brothers but that all signifies that they’re more than best friends, you know?”

“They’ve  _ kissed?” _ Nolan demanded.

Phichit shrugged. “They were each other’s first kiss, from what I understand. What’s the story, Theia? Weren’t they both drunk as hell?”

Theia chuckled. “Yeah, they were. It was at a house party our freshman year. Ironically, I think that’s what sealed the deal for Patrick and what really ended his crush on Yuri.”

“What?” Victor asked.

“We were at a house party at Rainbow Castle—don’t ask about the name, it’s not important right now—Yuri had been in somewhere fancy for something or other, I don’t know what, but I think that’s when he got his contract with Mizuno and he’d been gone. It was towards the end of the school year and Yuri was due back at any time. Patrick wanted to wait, but a girl I kind of liked was going to this party and I wanted to go, so I asked Patrick to come along and he did.”

She paused and smiled. “Man, that really was a party.”

“I wish I could have been there,” Phichit said. “So many things happened that night, it seems like.”

“So many,” Theia agreed. “Anyways. So Patrick doesn’t really want to be there and I’d sort of abandoned him so he did what all stupid freshmen do at a party where they’re bored and socially awkward and don’t know what to do: someone offered him a drink and he took it.”

“What happened?” Victor asked.

Theia chuckled. “Well, Yuri showed up sometime after that, I think. Long enough that Patrick was getting along but not quite there. And Yuri was happy and still riding the high of whatever good thing this contract of his, or whatever it was he’d been away doing, said about his career and how it was going places.”

She paused again.

“I remember the cheer that went through the house. I didn’t know what it was about then, but Patrick must have started it the moment he saw Yuri walk in the door and I guess the whole house cheered with him. About an hour and half, two hours later, I was ready to go. My own drama had gone down and the party had lost all interest for me. So I went to go find Patrick again.”

Victor had a very distinct picture of what she found in his mind. He chuckled a little, because he could so clearly picture Yuri drunk and the thought brought back good memories, but his heart ached too at the part of the story that was coming.

“He and Yuri were up on the kitchen table, dancing like there was going to be no tomorrow, stripped down to their underwear, which a few people had had the gall to stick dollar bills into—which made sense, because Yuri had just wracked in a bunch of money for StS2 that fall, but still. I remember watching them dance and just being completely horrified. Like, I had done this. I should have been keeping a better eye on Patrick, whatever. So I pushed my way to the front of the crowd and I screamed at them to get down, and they laughed at me, and then Yuri stumbled, or one of them did something and the next thing I know they’re kissing.”

Phichit laughed. Maria looked horrified. Victor was fairly certain that he and Nolan did as well.

“It was over just as quickly as it started,” Theia said. “I’ve never seen the two of them look so disgusted with each other. I know they kissed again, later, when they were sober, because they couldn’t remember that first time and they wanted to know what it was like to kiss a boy, but I think it was the same sort of reaction—meaningless, for both of them. They’d do anything for each other, don’t get me wrong, but they’ve never really been attracted to each other in an way that made them  _ want _ to get together. They’re just…Yuri and Patrick.”

“All things considered, though,” Phichit said, “I’m glad they lost each other.”

Theia’s jaw dropped. “Phichit, babe, why would you say something like that? Those last few months were terrible, for both of them. Why would you be  _ glad _ that happened?”

Phichit hesitated, and it was clear that he was trying to think of a good way to explain himself. 

“It’s like in Pokemon,” he said at last. “You have your characters and you’ve leveled them up a million times but for whatever reason, you haven’t evolved them, or at least, put them in a situation where they could evolve. Your pokemon are, all in all, fine. They can win battles. They get the job done. But they’re just...fine. They’re not achieving their full potential. That’s where Yuri and Patrick were before they lost each other. They were...fine. Nothing more, nothing less. And they would have continued to be fine. Maybe have found partners, maybe not, settled down when it was time to retire and had the picket-fence two kids and a dog dream. But I think they always would have been quietly discontent. Always wondering about that ‘what if’ in their lives if they had tried to push themselves harder. Being apart made them work harder, become better. Don’t get me wrong; I’m sad that they had to go through all that heartbreak first and I’m happy that they’re back together now, but I really think what happened was something they both  _ needed _ to happen, even if they didn’t realize it.”

The group was silent for a moment as they considered this. Theia sighed. 

“I guess you’re right,” she said. “They did need a change of pace.”

“So were they like this even before?” Nolan asked. “Or do you think they’re just going over the top because it’s been so long?”

Theia laughed. “Oh, they’ve  _ always  _ been like this. Like I said: dating without really dating.”

“And  I’m not going to lie to you two,” Phichit said. “They’re on one of their ‘dates’ right now. But I know them both well enough to say that they love you two more than anything. Don’t be worried. This is them just screwing around and being themselves. You two are the ones who hold the real keys to their hearts.”

“Beautiful, Phichit,” Theia said. “I couldn’t have put it better myself.”

Ahead of them, Yuri and Patrick slipped into a bulky building painted a glossy black. Bright multicolored shards of light spilled from the big two-story windows and the double glass doors out onto the street. A long, vertical marquee spelling out “The Backbeat” in rainbow of neon colored lights hung between the two stately pillars framing the front door.

“It used to be a bank,” Theia said, leaning over to them. “But then it shut down, and it was actually considered to be condemned for a little while, but then the current owners bought it and turned it into some sort of bar, club hybrid.”

“I’ve missed this place,” Phichit said with a happy sigh. He stepped up to the bouncer at the door and dug his wallet out so he could show his ID and pay the cover.

Maria, Theia, Victor and Nolan lingered on the street a moment longer.

“A gay bar,” Maria said skeptically, “in an old bank.”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Theia asked. “Come on, you’ll love it, I know it.”

Maria sighed and they all stepped up to the bouncer before slipping inside. Theia was right.  The inside  _ was  _ gorgeous. Giant arched mirrors mimicking the windows in the front of the building hung along the wall, opening up the already considerable space even more. A sleek, modern looking metal staircase led to the loft that wrapped around three walls above the main floor. Booths were tucked into the dark space beneath it. The bar ran almost the entire length of one wall. A beautiful crystal chandelier fitted out with dim multicolor lights hung above the whole scene. Music crashed out of every corner of the place. It was still early on a Thursday night, but it was packed.

“Fuck,” Theia shouted, struggling to be heard over the music. “I forgot it was Throwback night.”

“What’s wrong with Throwback night?” Maria asked.

Phichit materialized next to them. “It means it’s going to be hard to find Yuri and Patrick. I have no idea where they went. Should we find a table?”

Theia nodded and then they were weaving their way through the crowd to the stairs leading up to the loft. The tables up here were tall and square and sleek in a sturdy sort of way. Victor grabbed a chair and sat down. Nolan clunked down next to him.

“So what kind of bar is this?” Nolan asked.

Theia laughed. “I told you, a gay one!”

She winced as a new song came on. “Oh fuck,” she said again.

“What?” Phichit asked

“I really, really hate throwback night, I’m just going to say that right now.”

“Did you have something against the music?” Maria asked.

“Oh shit, it’s their song!” Phichit said. He started laughing.

“Who’s song?” Victor asked.

“Yuri and Patrick’s.” Theia said, burying her head in her hands. “Oh, God, if I’m going to do this then I’m going to need booze.”

Maria raised her brows, but she didn’t look too alarmed. “I’m going to stay here where it’s safe.”

“Me too,” Nolan said.

“I’ll come,” Victor said, sliding off his chair.

Next to him, Phichit did the same. Together, the three of them wandered back down to the main floor. Bodies pressed around them and Victor wished that he was with Yuri, wished that they were dancing together again like they had that winter in Petersburg before everything had gotten complicated. They reached the bar and Theia leaned across to get the Bartender’s attention. Victor leaned against the edge of it next to Phichit and watched the dance floor. If he was lucky, maybe he’s spot Yuri in the press of bodies.

“Hey fam.”

Victor turned. The bass pounded around him. Yuri and Patrick were standing there. Yuri had somehow managed to procure his drink of choice—a Japanese beer of some sort—and Patrick was holding onto a plastic cup filled with some kind of clear electric blue concoction that was undoubtedly a cocktail. Yuri’s arm was looped around Patrick’s neck. They were both half dancing, minding their drinks and their need to pause to stop to talk to Victor. Patrick took a sip of his drink. Yuri took one too.

“We sayin' oh we oh, we oh, we oh,” they sang together when they were done.

“You are now now rockin' with Patrick K,”

“And Yuri, bitch.”

Yuri let go of Patrick briefly and they swung their hips together. Victor didn’t know whether to laugh at how ridiculous the situation was or cry. Yuri swung his arm back around Patrick’s neck. Patrick’s fingers peeped around Yuri’s side, pressed against his rib cage.

“Are you two drunk?” Theia asked from behind Victor.

Victor glanced at her briefly. She was sipping a neon green cocktail through a thin black straw. Phichit was holding a bright pink drink. Victor briefly wondered if there were any drinks here that didn’t come in exotic colors.

“Theia, we literally just got here,” Patrick replied. Sass dripped from his words.

Yuri had closed his eyes and lost himself to the music. He was beautiful, lights of the club washing over him and painting him every color of the rainbow. The urge to lean forward and kiss him was overwhelming, but Victor hesitated for a moment. It was like if he was seeing that photo of Yuri on the beach again, beautiful but untouchable. Yuri’s eyes fluttered open, like if he knew that Victor was watching him, and he smiled. Without any prompting on Victor’s part, Yuri leaned forward and kissed him. When he pulled away, his lips were moving, singing along with the song it seemed, but the music was too loud for Victor to hear.

“Are you coming with?” Patrick shouted.

Victor shook his head. “Not yet.”

Yuri pouted a little, but Patrick flashed two thumbs up as well as he could with his hands wrapped around his drink and Yuri’s side.

“Later, then,” Patrick said.

He and Yuri disappeared back into the crowd. Phichit tugged on Victor’s sleeve and they all slipped back upstairs again. Maria and Nolan were talking amiably at their table when Victor, Phichit and Theia returned. Victor slid back into his seat and Phichit his, but Theia took a moment to kiss her fiancé on the cheek.

“I’m so glad we’re getting married and I don’t have to put up with this single shit anymore,” Theia said. “Like, I love this place, but I remember girls trying to pick me up at the bar and I’m glad that’s not my life anymore.”

“You never have taken to people hitting on you,” Phichit said. “You, Yuri, Patrick. None of you know what to do with yourselves.”

“Well thank god we have you then,” Theia said as she climbed back into her chair.

“How did you guys even meet?” Nolan asked.

“Well, I met Yuri when he tutored me in calc my freshman year. I didn’t want to take it, but I hadn’t declared a major yet at that point so I had to.” Theia said. “And then somehow or other I found out he was gay—I think one of my friends flirted with him or something and I asked if he thought she was cute and he told me—so I invited him to a GSA meeting with me. And then Yuri met Patrick that January and Patrick had a crush on Yuri, so he started coming to the meetings too so he could be with Yuri more.”

Nolan snorted. Victor wondered absently if he would be here right now if Yuri had noticed that Patrick had liked him then and decided to act on it.

“So that’s how I met Patrick,” Theia continued. “And then, our junior year,” she reached over to squeeze Phichit’s arm. “This one shows up as Yuri’s roommate and Yuri brought him along to GSA meetings and everything else and we just sort of adopted him into the family.”

“You guys were all crazy,” Phichit said, “but in a good way, you know? I’m sad that we don’t have that anymore.”

“Aww, babe,” Theia said. “I’m sad we don’t have that anymore either.”

“The GSA is the—”

“Club that supported The Gays here yes. Phichit is our pan baby.” Theia said.

“Your pan  _ what?”  _ Victor asked.

“Pan baby,” Phichit said. “I’m pansexual, an oddity in a family made by my two gay dads and this leading lesbian lady.”

“Nice,” Nolan said after a minute.

“Thanks,” Phichit said with a smile.

“Remember doing StS2 every year here?” Theia asked. “Man, those were the days.”

“And StS2 is…?” Nolan asked.

“Strip to Stop Suicide,” Theia said. “We’d raise money every year for The Trevor Project by lowkey running a strip club out of here for one night every fall. Yuri and Patrick used to bring the most money in, actually. The last few years, they planned out a pair act as a fundraising incentive.”

“Seriously?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah,” Theia said. “They were really good too. We joked on more than one occasion that they should just abandon their careers and take their stripping show on the road.”

“I wanted Yuri to pole dance for my bachelorette party,” Maria said, “but he turned me down.”

“He was always really shy about it,” Theia said. “If we hadn’t been short of volunteers that first year, I think he would have backed out. And after that, well. I think part of him liked being the best at something and part of him liked doing it to help people. If it weren’t for that, I don’t think he would have done it. And of course, it was always a good time for he and Patrick to hang out and be weird together.”

“He came by so often after the Finals that year,” Phichit said sadly. “And Yuri just wouldn’t see him. He barely talked to me. I still remember the last day Patrick came. He cried, but I don’t think he was surprised. He slid something under Yuri’s door, then left his key on the counter and walked away. I never saw him again after that.”

“Wow,” Nolan said quietly. “That sounds…terrible.”

“They didn’t leave things on good terms,” Theia said. “I’m glad they’re back together now. They were always better together.”

They sat together in silence for a minute longer, processing that, and Victor wondered if this was how the entire night would go, Theia and Phichit talking about Yuri and Patrick, but then Nolan piped up.

“Any of this music make you guys feel cringely young?” he asked. “Like, I can remember being a stupid college kid to this music.”

“It’s all at least five years old,” Theia said with a laugh. “That’s how throwback night works. Throwback to high school and middle school and being a stupid kid but a stupid kid that doesn’t have a college kid’s problems.”

Nolan laughed and they fell into easy conversation after that. Phichit slipped off at some point to go dancing or get something more to drink, Victor wasn’t sure which. To a certain extent, it was nice to just sit up in the loft of Backbeat, talking to Theia and Maria and Nolan about their younger days and the stupid decisions they had made, but he missed Yuri too. Craved Yuri’s presence at his side like a drug addict craves their fix. He was tempted to go looking for Yuri on the dancefloor, but Yuri was having fun reconnecting with Patrick and Victor didn’t want to be a bother.

“Theia!”

As one the four of them turned to look at Phichit standing at the top of the stairs.

“They’re dancing on the stage! Come quick!”

Phichit disappeared back down the stairs and Theia swore again. Victor, as well as Nolan and Maria, looked at her for their cue.

“Come on,” Theia said with a heavy sigh. “You’re going to want to see this.”

She slid out of her seat and led them all back downstairs. The music changed to something with a throbbing bass and Theia swore again.

“What’s wrong now?” Victor asked.

“Remember the story I told you about Yuri and Patrick kissing?” Theia said. “This was the song that was playing when Yuri showed up. They always go crazy to it. It’s like their number one party song.”

They reached the main floor and Victor looked out across the dance floor. Before, it had been hard to identify anyone in the endless sea of faces, but now…

Yuri and Patrick were raised up a little bit above everyone else, dancing like there would be no tomorrow. Their drinks were gone, finished, evidently. Theia swore again, then dived into the crowd. The rest of them followed her, pushing their way through all the dancers that were lost to the music and whatever it was they’d been drinking. Someone squeezed Victor’s ass as he went by and he cringed. He wished Yuri was with him. Nolan kept muttering ‘sorry’ and ‘excuse me.’ They reached the base of the stage. Theia’s face was steely.

“Hey, drunkards!” she shouted.

Yuri and Patrick looked down at her. Patrick smiled.

“We are not drunk,” he said.

“Maybe tipsy,” Yuri added. “But not drunk.”

“Except maybe on the music,” Patrick added.

“Except maybe on the music.”

They didn’t stop moving, didn’t stop dancing around each other, spinning each other, dipping each other.

“I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know,” they half sang, half shouted, “everything that shine ain’t always going to be gold!”

Theia watched them for a moment longer with a fierce frown. Phichit materialized next to Victor, bobbing his head in time with the music.

“That’s it,” Theia said, reaching up and grabbing their shirt sleeves as they came around on another spin. “We’re going home.”

“Hey!” Patrick shouted as he was dragged down from his pedestal.

“Rude,” Yuri scoffed.

“I think you two have had enough,” Theia scolded.

She started forcibly dragging them out of the crowd. Victor and the rest trailed after her like if it was some sort of demented parade. They hit the street and the warm evening air washed over Victor in a hazy awakening. The Backbeat had been crowded, but it stayed cool with the constant flow of air conditioning through the space. People loitered on the sidewalk, taking a smoke or just taking a break away from the roar of the music inside.

“Are you two sure you’re not drunk?” Theia asked.

“Theia darling if we were drunk, you would know,” Patrick said.

“Less clothes,” Yuri supplied. “Especially to that song.”

“Why that song?” Victor asked.

Patrick’s smile was lazy. “Remember how we said we have a history of losing our shirts? That song started it.”

Yuri chuckled. “Last thing I remember of that night.”

“Same.”

They smiled at each other. Theia scoffed. Then Yuri sighed and Patrick yawned.

“Aight,” Patrick said. “I think I’m about peopled out for the evening. Home?”

“Home,” Yuri agreed.

They started walking off down the street.

“Where are you boys headed?” Theia called.

They turned and looked back at her curiously. “Campus. Car. We parked there. Are you coming or not?”

Theia blinked at the two of them and then shook her head numbly.

“Sometimes, the two of them…” she said.

“How did you survive for so long alone?” Phichit asked.

Theia smiled at him, laughed, threw an arm around his shoulders. “Oh baby, I have no idea, but I’m glad you showed up eventually.” She looked around at the rest of them, Nolan and Victor and Maria. She reached out and took Maria’s hand.

“I’m glad all of you showed up eventually.”

Maria smiled. Together, the five of them went off after Yuri and Patrick. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Backbeat! If you want to listen to the throwback night playlist, you can find it [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/batmadge/playlist/3kRJDUobOhVE0kw1gxe7Vq). 
> 
> The song that Yuri and Patrick were dancing to in the beginning is "Scream and Shout" by Will I. Am and Brittany Spears. Incidentally, Muse and I can no longer listen to that song without filling in the dialogue. 
> 
> The song they were dancing to at the end which Theia mentions was the first song they ever got wasted to is the Steve Aoki remix of "Pursuit of Happiness." The first time Muse ever heard me play it, she looked at me funny because there's just a long line of "Fuck that" early on. 
> 
> Also, clap your hands if you think the conversation between Victor and Nolan was incredibly ironic, because Muse and I think so. Talking about not sharing, is the one not sharing. Oh my God, Victor. Say something and end our suffering soon. Please. *eye roll*


	10. Jack Be Nimble, Jack Be Quick

Yuri and Patrick, sticking with the trend of the evening, stuck by each other’s side the whole way back to campus, talking to each other and gesturing broadly. They moved and held themselves in a way that was reminiscent of two trees that had been planted besides each other and had grown with their branches intertwined. They had influenced each other, that much was obvious. It reminded Victor of watching Yuri skate early on, and the way Yuri’s style of skating had mirrored his own. Now, Yuri and Patrick mirrored each other, tilting their heads forward to listen to each other in the same way, tugging on their ears, scratching the backs of their necks, speaking volumes with their hands in the same small movements. They spoke a language, a dialect, that was unique to their friendship. It made Victor’s heart ache to watch.

Yuri and Patrick stopped when they reached the edge of the athletic field they had been reunited on just that afternoon. After a moment, the rest of the party caught up with them. Phichit and Theia stood by, clearly in anticipation of whatever it was that Yuri and Patrick were planning on doing next. Victor waited for them to give each other one last hug, to part ways for now, but the two of them just stood there, looking across the open field. The evening breeze came through and lifted up the edges of Yuri’s hair, ruffled its way through Patrick’s short curls. They both laughed softly.

“Do you want to?” Yuri asked.

Patrick shrugged. “I have a race Saturday, but it’s nothing major. More something I wanted to do to see where I’m at than anything else.”

“If you’re willing to go for it…” Yuri said.

“Is that a challenge, babe?”

Yuri laughed. “Runners on their marks,” he said.

He didn’t even need to say go; in an instant, the two men were off, sprinting across the field in the gathering darkness, whipping off their clothes as they went. The sound of their laughter rang out through the empty evening.

“What…what are they doing?” Nolan asked. He looked wildly over at where Theia and Phichit were standing.

Theia sighed heavily. “It’s a game they play. There’s a river on the other side of the field and they race to it, taking off clothes as they go. Whoever gets their first with the least amount of clothes wins.”

“You’re kidding,” Victor said.

Phichit chuckled. “Nope. And it’s great because they’re pretty well matched too. Patrick moves faster, but Yuri’s better at getting his clothes off. They usually end up tying as a result, but they don’t care.”

Theia sighed again and started trudging across the field. A very amused looking Maria followed after her.

“Come on,” Phichit said as he moved to follow. “We should probably pick up their stuff. That always makes life a little easier.”

Nolan and Victor looked at each other helplessly for a moment before they too set off across the field. Phichit would jog back to them to hand of clothes at Yuri or Patrick had abandoned. Victor ended up with everything but Yuri’s boxers by the time they reached the river. Nolan was missing Patrick’s boxers and socks. They stood with Maria and Theia and Phichit at the bank and looked down at the men splashing around happily in the water.

“Who won?” Phichit called down at them.

Yuri laughed and dived out of the way of Patrick, who had made an attempt at dunking him further into the water.

“Patrick jumped first, but he’s still wearing his socks, so…”

Patrick grinned up at them. “Swimming with socks not recommended, but I don’t want to lose them so I can’t take them off.”

Yuri shook his head fondly and moved farther into the river.

“You’re a mess,” he said.

“Yeah, but I’m a mess with a world record, a gold medal, and the man of my dreams, so I think I’m the real winner here.”

“Sure, Patrick, sure.”

“What, you don’t believe me?” Patrick rebuked.

Yuri laughed. “Well, I have all that  _ and  _ managed to get my socks off before I jumped in, so I think I’m a little ahead of you on that count.”

Patrick scoffed at this. “I still don’t know how you managed to do that. Are you sure you’re not cheating? I think you’re cheating.”

“Patrick, how would I even—”

“I don’t know, but you’re doing it somehow.”

Yuri laughed again and Patrick joined in. When they finished, Yuri looked up at where Victor was standing at the side of the river.

“Did you get my glasses?” he asked.

Victor blinked and glanced down at the bundle of clothes in his arms.

“I don’t think so,” he admitted when he looked back at Yuri.

Patrick chuckled. “Babe, you gotta be more careful with those.”

“Weren’t you just saying that you lost one of your contacts jumping in?” Yuri shot back.

Patrick’s arms flew up out of the water in a sign of surrender. “At least I have both my spares. Do you have yours?”

Yuri frowned. “No, I left them at the hotel.”

There were a few seconds where Patrick and Yuri had a silent argument composed entirely of their changing facial expressions. It ended when Patrick sighed heavily and started dragging himself towards the river bank. Yuri followed, looking slightly triumphant.

“Babe, do you have my glasses case?” Patrick asked as he pulled himself out of the water.

Nolan nodded and dropped Patrick’s clothes so he could start digging around in his pockets. In the meantime, Patrick grabbed the t-shirt he had been wearing from the pile at Nolan’s feet and started drying himself off. When he was done, he tossed it to Yuri, who had just emerged from the river himself. Patrick discarded his ruined socks and pulled on his shorts. Yuri finished drying himself off and started getting dressed, one article of clothing at a time as Victor handed them off to him. When they were both done, Patrick took his glasses case from Nolan and snapped it open. He handed Yuri a familiar looking pair of blue half-frames and then pulled out a similar set of black and gold ones for himself.

“Alright, honey,” Patrick said, flipping on his phone’s flashlight, “where do you think you lost them?”

The two of them set off back across the field, the light of Patrick’s phone guiding their way.

“Patrick wears glasses?” Victor asked, directing the questing vaguely towards Phichit and Theia as they once again began to follow the two men..

Theia smiled, though it was hard to see in the gathering darkness.

“He and Yuri have the exact same prescription. They always used to go to the eye doctor together, get glasses together. Patrick’s extra pair of glasses is more for Yuri than for him, and the same used to go for Yuri.”

“That’s freaky,” Nolan said.

Phichit giggled. “That’s not even the brunt of it. They’re also the exact same height and were born at the same time, but three days apart. They have the same blood type. They’re allergic to the same things and they like the same food. They both act the same way when they get drunk. They have the same body type and usually weigh almost exactly the same amount when they’re in peak condition.”

“Like I said,” Nolan replied. “Freaky.”

Ahead of them, Victor watched as Patrick bent down and picked something out of the grass. Yuri pulled off the glasses that Patrick had lent him and took the pair that were proffered to him now. Yuri said something and Patrick laughed. Patrick flicked off his flashlight and the two of them were thrown back into shadows again. Yuri—or perhaps it was Patrick—tugged the other close and they started walking off together, away from the parking lot. In the remaining light, Victor saw Yuri lean his head on Patrick’s shoulder. His heart squeezed painfully at the sight.

“Oi!” Theia shouted. “Weirdos! Where you headed?”

Yuri and Patrick turned and looked back at them, clearly surprised, but then Patrick laughed.

“You know, for a minute there,” he called, “I forgot that we weren’t in school anymore.”

“Green Street?” Theia asked.

“Green Street,” Yuri confirmed.

“What’s on Green Street?” Victor asked.

“Patrick’s old apartment,” Phichit said. “And then Yuri and I used to live on Fisher Drive and Theia was over on Bonham.”

Victor decided not to ask about why Yuri wouldn’t have questioned going back to Patrick’s apartment. The thought made his stomach roll. Even if Yuri and Patrick had never formally dated, well, they had kissed, hadn’t they? And more than that, they had been hanging off each other like reunited lovers all night. Logically, Victor knew he had been the first person Yuri had ever slept with, but looking at things now, he couldn’t help but wonder what Yuri and Patrick  _ hadn’t  _ done together.

The rest of them reached Patrick and Yuri and now the two men hugged each other tightly. Here at last was the goodbye that Victor had been expecting earlier. Yuri was the first person to pull away, although he did so with a sigh.

“It was good to see you,” he said.

Patrick nodded firmly in agreement. “When do you leave?” he asked.

Yuri looked at Victor, bit his lip as he thought about it. “Monday,” he said. “I think in the afternoon.”

“Alright,” Patrick said. “I’ll be home by Sunday. The four of us should get pho for dinner!”

Yuri laughed. He hugged Patrick again.

“From Pho Sho?” Yuri asked.

“Absolutely,” Patrick said. “In fact, I think it’d better say ‘fo sho’.”

They both laughed at the joke. Patrick hugged Yuri again.

“One last hug,” Victor heard him say.

They both sighed when they pulled away.

“Maria,” Patrick said. “It was lovely meeting you. I look forward to getting to know you in the coming years. Phichit, my man, it was a pleasure to see you. I’m glad to hear that figure skating it going well for you. Keep up the good work, dude.”

Maria and Phichit nodded in a quiet response to Patrick’s parting words. When he looked at Theia, she started crying.

“C’mere,” she said.

She pulled Patrick in for a tight hug, which he returned.

“Don’t be a stranger,” he said. “I’ve  _ missed _ you.”

“I know,” she said through tears. “I’m sorry.”

Patrick pulled away first. Theia took the time to wipe her eyes.

“Victor,” Patrick said.

Victor nodded.

“I hope you know what a lucky bastard you are,” Patrick said. “Don’t do anything stupid and you’ll be set for life. You have something good going for you here. Don’t fuck it up.”

Victor chuckled, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“Thanks,” he said.

Patrick nodded. Yuri had finished saying his goodbyes to everyone else as well. The two of them stared at each other for a long moment, and then Yuri smiled.

“We got these days of summer to remind us of each other,” he sang.

Theia chuckled through her tears and then joined in. “And all the time we spend apart will keep us in each other’s hearts.”

“I’m hoping that the good old days are something I can dream about at night!” Patrick shouted.

“Don’t matter if it’s sooner or later, I know that it’s gonna be alright,” Phichit finished.

They burst into the chorus together, loudly and a little off key. They danced with each other, spinning and twirling and bumping hips. The love that they had for each other was evident. Their joy was infectious. It filled the night and warmed Victor’s heart more than the summer air ever could. Theia snagged Yuri’s hand, and Yuri grabbed Phichit’s and suddenly, Victor was part of a line going one way, clinging desperately to Maria and Phichit, and Patrick and Nolan were going in the opposite direction. The old friends were still singing though. Theia and Patrick held the tune the best and belted it across the field to each other.

When Patrick and Nolan had gotten in their car and driven off, Theia turned and threw her arm around Yuri’s shoulders.

“You’re going to come visit more often now, right?” she asked.

Yuri chuckled. “Absolutely.”

When they reached their parking spot, everyone clambered into Dolly together, Victor and Yuri and Phichit cramped into the back so tightly that Yuri was practically on Victor’s lap. Yuri didn’t complain though, he just leaned back into Victor with a happy sigh. His hair, still wet from his little swim, dampened Victor’s shirt. He smelled like river and something unfamiliar that had to be Patrick. Victor closed his eyes and held Yuri tighter. Yuri was his and he was Yuri’s, he tried to remind himself. Yuri was his and he was Yuri’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they sing towards the end is called "Days of Summer" and it's from A Very Potter Sequel. You can listen to the full song [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Vk6cqJx9o8).
> 
> The squad are all Starkid fans because they would have movie nights every Friday if they weren't busy. Theia always picked musicals. Yuri is high key trash for anything Studio Ghibli. Patrick, having the sense of humor that he does (more on that later) made them watch every Starkid musical ever made. Phichit picked the King or the Skater or the King and the Skater 2 whenever it was his turn. God, that boy was such a theater kid. High key can't wait for End Notes so I can tell you more about all of them in college. 
> 
> Also, Victor is now like, two centimeters away from his breaking point, so y'all knows what that means :)


	11. Don't Make Too Much of It

Maria dropped them all off on the curb outside she and Theia’s building before going to park in her space in the opera’s garage around the corner. Theia hugged Yuri and Phichit one last time before they parted ways.

“I love you both,” she said, “and I’m so glad I get to share this with you.”

Phichit smiled. “I’m glad you thought to share it with me.”

“Aw, babe,” Theia said, “you know I mean it when I say you’re family.”

Phichit laughed and hugged them all one last time.

“I’m going to go up,” he said. “I’ll see you guys later.”

He wandered off and they watched him go for a minute before Theia turned back to Yuri.

“I’m so proud of you,” she said.

“I know,” Yuri said with a smile.

“It’s crazy, how time flies,” Theia says. “It feels like it was just last week that I was meeting you in the library for the first time, and now look at you. Who’d have thought, huh?”

“Yeah,” Yuri said quietly.

They stood there, taking in the moment for a second, and then Theia went digging into her purse. She pulled out a small, sturdy looking, leather bound journal and handed it to Yuri. ‘Etc. II’ was stamped on the cover above a few golden stars.

“I know you’re running out of space in the old one,” she said. “So I wanted to give this to you as a replacement, and a thank you.”

“Theia…” Yuri said. He looked like he was about to start crying. “You didn’t have to do that.”

She shrugged. “I wanted to. _We_ wanted to. It’s from Maria too.”

Yuri glanced down at the book in his hands, and then up at Theia. He pulled her into a rough hug.

“I’m so lucky to have you both,” he said.

Theia pulled away, quickly wiping tears from her eyes. “And we say the same about you all the time.”

Yuri nodded and clutched the journal a little tighter.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” Theia replied. She hugged him again, quickly, and then hugged Victor.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asked.

“Yep,” Yuri said.

“Good,” Theia said. “Don’t be late.”

She walked off with a little wave and then it was just Yuri and Victor. They waited for the elevator together and then rode it up in silence. Yuri kept flicking through the journal Theia had given him and tracing his finger around the stars stamped on the cover. When they reached their room, Yuri set it gently down on his nightstand, then shucked off his shirt and disappeared into the bathroom to take a shower. Victor briefly considered joining him as he got ready for bed, but…

He couldn’t forget the way that Yuri and Patrick had been all night. Couldn’t forget how easily they had fallen into place with each other, as easily as picking up a book and starting again from the page they’d saved. Couldn’t forget how happy Yuri had looked at dinner, couldn’t forget their little jokes with each other, couldn’t forget how perfect the two of them had looked dancing side by side. Couldn’t forget the way they just understood what the other was thinking without even trying, couldn’t forget the genuine surprise that had flashed across Yuri and Patrick’s faces when they realized that they had been about to head back to “Green Street.”

Had he ever been that familiar with Yuri? Would he ever be? Were they just fooling themselves, holding onto dust and shadows and daydreams? Victor pulled on his sweats after his shirt and slumped onto the side of the bed. He loved Yuri, but was that enough? Yuri was always leaving him, putting distance between them; first when he’d turned away from Victor’s offer for a photo, then leaving without a trace after the banquet, then pushing Victor away when he’d come to Hasetsu,then telling Victor he was planning on retiring at the Grand Prix Finals two years ago and finally, leaving Petersburg in the dead of night without any real rhyme or reason. Victor had played a part in that last one, he knew, but still. If Yuri _really_ loved him, wouldn’t he have chosen to stay all those times? Who was to say he wasn’t going to leave again?

Yuri emerged from the bathroom, already dressed for bed and toweling off his hair, laughing a little.

“You know,” he was saying, “I really do think—Victor, are you alright?”

Victor glanced up at Yuri; his towel was held held loosely in his hands, his face painted with concern. Stupid. He wasn’t supposed to make Yuri worry. There was nothing to worry about, after all. He was just being silly.

“I—” Victor said.

A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye. Yuri dropped the towel and collapsed on his knees in front of Victor. His hands gently swept aside Victor’s bangs, cradled Victor’s cheeks. Victor did his best to swallow his tears. He grabbed onto Yuri’s wrists to remind himself that this was real, this was happening, Yuri was here and he wasn’t leaving. ‘ _I’m fine,’_ he was going to say. He needed to say it, before Yuri got too upset.

“Victor, Victor what’s wrong?” Yuri pleaded. “ _Please_ , talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

‘ _It’s nothing,’_ Victor wanted to say, wanted to cover it all up with a quick kiss and a suggestion that they turn in for the night.

“Do you love me?” slipped out of his mouth instead.

Yuri’s brow furrowed with confusion for a moment, and then understanding washed across his features. He pulled away, stood up and walked towards his suitcase.

“Yuri?” Victor asked.

Seconds later, Yuri was back. He had a journal, leather-bound and similar to the one that Theia had given to him before they parted, and his wallet clutched in his hands. He waved his free hand vaguely towards Victor.

“Scoot over,” he said. “I want to show you something.”

Victor looked up at Yuri uncertainly, but Yuri’s face was set in hard, determined lines. Victor moved over to his side of the bed, making room for Yuri to sit back against the headboard beside him. Yuri set his wallet gently on the bedside table before settling down besides Victor. He flipped open the journal. The pages were covered in small characters written in Yuri’s familiar, neat hand. When Yuri found the page he was looking for he, stopped, and then he started reading.

“December ninth,” he read. “It’s still taking time for this to sink in. I can’t help but remember Minako this summer, all but saying that she didn’t think I would make it this far, but I have, and if Yurio and my scores from today are to be believed, I may even have a chance at winning. Right now, I’m in third, but that’s not the most important thing that happened today. After my short program, Yurio came by to say hello, towing along behind him another skater, presumably a friend of his, who could not have looked more terrified to meet me. He’s beautiful though, and looking at him, talking to him, feels like discovering how to skate all over again. It feels like coming home. My heart sang just to be near him. He said his name is Victor Nikiforov. If nothing else this weekend, I hope I have the chance to get to know him better.”

Victor’s jaw dropped. Yuri had…Yuri had written about him. Had liked him when they met again that second time. He had always wondered what Yuri had thought of him, now he knew. Yuri was already flipping to another page.

“December tenth,” Yuri read. “I’m tired, and I have the free skate tomorrow, so I won’t write much now, but I went out with Yurio and Victor tonight. I love Victor’s dog. We went dancing in a restaurant he recommended and the food he ordered for me was incredible. Afterwards, we walked around St. Petersburg together. The city is beautiful. It suits him. He’s offered to take me to see the stars after all of this and I really, really hope that he will.”

Another page, another entry.

“December sixteenth. Currently residing in Victor’s apartment following the incident at the Finals. The history between us is unbearable, and I wish someone would say something, I wish I could say something, but I don’t know what. Yurio staying here may be a further complication. I’m not sure. I’ve been practicing my free skate under Yakov. We both know it’s lost something, and I think I know what. I don’t want to abandon my past anymore, not if it means saying goodbye to whatever I had with Victor. Seeing him now is tense anticipation, although for what, I’m not sure. I’m almost thankful that I’ll be going back to Japan for a few days. I need some time away to sort everything out.

“December twenty-fourth. Tomorrow is Victor’s birthday. But he doesn’t really celebrate it. He told me that last year. In Barcelona. Before I got the rings. I remember doing something small with him anyways. We got dinner, I know, later. Small and quiet, but nice. I think I stayed with him after. I’ve been talking to Theia and Maria about everything—what I remember, what I don’t, what I want—and we’ve agreed that I need to talk to him. Trouble is, I don’t know how to begin to broach the subject. I don’t want to lose him. Even with all the tension between us the last few days, I’m happier for being around him. I like the way he smiles a little at Yurio and I’s jokes. I like how he listens carefully to what we have to say. I’ve missed him terribly these last few days. Missed his constant presence. I just wish he would talk to me more himself when we’re together so I had a better feel of how I could talk to him.

“December twenty-ninth. At Yakov’s advice, I’ve adapted my Free Skate so the theme no longer revolves around the memories I’ve lost, but to instead reflect the past Victor and I must bury if we’re to be together. I told Yurio that I don’t know how I feel about Victor (I truly don’t) because it’s like nothing I’ve felt before, I have no reference field for it. It’s like making a perfect jump. It’s like standing in the snow at midnight. It’s like how I imagine the stars. It’s like coming home. I’m not sure if it’s love (too soon to tell) but I think it might be. Victor says he loves me, at very least, and that he’s happy to be with me if I’ll let him. He kissed me too, and it was perfect. Better than memories. I’ve missed that, I’ve realized. I’ve missed _him._

Yuri flipped farther ahead now—a month, maybe more, later, Victor supposed. Words were still eluding him. Yuri had…Yuri had been writing about him. About them.

“January thirty-first. We almost slept together for the first time now that we’re back together after he came home from the European Championships, but he said he was tired and we held off. I was on my own in Petersburg while he and everyone else were in Ostrava. I hated it, although Makkachin made for good company. I hate being separated from him. Everything in my life is more interesting, more meaningful, when he’s around. He reminds me that there’s a life outside of skating, that there are stars and late night adventures and dancing in the streets and so many beautiful things to experience. He’s the polar opposite of the world that felt so limited in Hasetsu. I miss home, I miss the Ice Castle and the beach and Mari and Mama and Papa and the Onsen but I know I would miss him more if I ever left.

“I know he said he wants to stay with me, so I know that him telling me to leave is no longer a possibility, but I still feel…restless? No mention of what we’re supposed to be, formally speaking. He’s my boyfriend, I suppose. We live together, eat together, sleep in the same bed together, but he hasn’t brought up any mention of it at all, nothing about the rings, nothing about being engaged. It’s maddening, but perhaps this is what he needs. I did throw everything on him rather quickly after all.

“February twenty-first. Things have been steadily coming back to me since December and I now have a lot more context for our relationship (and everything that came before) than I did before. A lot of emotions that are attached to memories are coming back too. Less like something that belong to someone else and more like something that belong to me. As a result of this, I know that something is wrong with Victor. We finally took that plunge and slept together for the first time since we’ve gotten back together, but it wasn’t the same as I remember. Different, though I can’t put my finger on how. I tried to talk to him about it, but he shifted the conversation away from all that. He looks terrible; he says it’s because he missed me. And I missed him too, so maybe I’m imagining things. I’m just happy that I’m his and he’s mine and that I get to come home to him every day (and after every competition).

“April fifth. I wish he would talk to me. I tried to talk to him at the Worlds, asked him what was wrong (because something clearly is) but he keeps insisting that he’s fine. I don’t want to push him too much, though. I know I’ve put him through a lot. I know he didn’t deserve any of what I put him through last spring, but still. Chris agrees with me, I know. Like if Victor’s putting on a brave face, he said. Like the Victor he was before we met (which worries me). And he’s been having nightmares too, although he won’t talk about them with me either (which also worries me).

“I love him. I love him more than words can say. That’s what I’ve come to realize I’ve been feeling over the past few months. And because I love him, it kills me to see him so unhappy, even if he’s trying to hide it. We need to talk. I need him to talk to me. I need him to meet me halfway. Please, please, let him see sense. Let him see how much I love him.”

Yuri set his journal gently aside. Victor held his breath, waiting for what was next as Yuri picked up his wallet. He watched as Yuri unzipped the change pouch and dropped something small and round and gold into the palm of his hand. Yuri held it up between two of them where the light could catch it, grasped gently between two fingers. His engagement ring. Victor swallowed back the lump in his throat again. He could feel tears burning in the back of his eyes. Yuri had been holding onto it, keeping it somewhere safe, after all this time…

“I found this in my room at the end of last summer,” Yuri said. “I used to wear it around my neck, on an old shoelace. I had no idea what it meant, what it was, but I knew I wanted to keep it close me, just like I want to keep you now. After the finals, I had no idea where we stood with each other anymore, so I put it in here for safekeeping and so that I could keep it with me everywhere I went until we had talked about it. Losing this terrifies me more than losing my skates, losing my _ability_ to skate. Do you understand, Victor?”

Yuri set the ring carefully on top of his journal, then pulled Victor closer, cradled Victor’s face in his hands. He stroked his thumbs gently along Victor’s cheeks, reached up to wipe away a runaway tear, and then he kissed Victor, soft and loving and tender.

“I love you,” Yuri said. “I’m not ever leaving you, not even if you try to make me, and all I want is for you to be okay and happy again.”

More tears spilled from Victor eyes and Yuri took the time to kiss them each away. When he kissed Victor on the lips again, it tasted like salt and sorrow and hope.

“Please, Victor,” Yuri said, “Please, please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me how I can make it better.”

Victor took a deep shuddering breath. Yuri continued to kiss his tears away, returning every now and then to his lips. He kept saying please, using one word to beg Victor to admit to everything that had been plaguing him over the last few months. At long last, Victor dragged himself away from Yuri, though he kept ahold of Yuri’s hands.

“I need time,” Victor said. “Everything happened so quickly there, towards the end…I guess I’ve just been waiting for the other shoe to fall, for there to be a catch of some sort, and I’m sorry, if I’ve been hurting you because of that.”

He paused and took a deep breath before continuing on. Yuri waited patiently, gave an encouraging smile.

“But I still want…that,” Victor said, nodding his head towards the ring. “I want to get married to you. I want to be with you forever and ever. I just need…time, first, to really process all of this. I’ve been thinking—I’ve been terrified—that you haven’t brought it up because it’s not what you really wanted anymore and all this, suddenly…I need time.”

His eyes had drifted down towards where the ring lay on Yuri’s diary towards the end, and glanced up at Yuri quickly now.

“If that’s okay with you,” Victor said. “Because I love you I just…”

You leaned in and kissed him chastely on the lips.

“Need time,” Yuri said. “I know. Please, take as much as you need. And when you’re ready for me to start wearing that again, I will. But know that, in the meantime, I’m still going to be keeping it with me, and that I’m not going anywhere while I wait for you, because I’m willing to wait forever, Victor. If that’s what you need, that’s what I’ll give you.”

Victor smiled and Yuri, sensing somehow that the conversation had drawn to its close, got up to turn off the light. Victor took the time to slip under the covers. He rolled on his side towards the inside of the mattress, towards where Yuri would be when he came to bed. The room was plunged into darkness and Victor felt the mattress shift and the covers lift as Yuri slid into bed. A moment later, Yuri’s arms extended across the space between them and for once, it was Yuri dragging Victor closer, Yuri holding onto him. Victor was stiff for a second as he got used to it, but then he relaxed into Yuri’s arms, sighed as Yuri pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“ _Yoku nemuru,”_ Yuri whispered. “ _Ai shiteru yo._ ”

Victor closed his eyes and curled closer to Yuri.

 _There was nothing better than this,_ he thought as he drifted off to sleep. _Nothing better than simply being held by someone you love who loves you in return._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the two page love confession! (And I call it that because all of that-Yuri reading from his journal and telling Victor about the ring-is about two pages single spaced in a word doc, so...)
> 
> I really, really wanted to have them get engaged again, but they said no, so we're settling for this and we get a nice, reflective moment from Victor at the wedding tomorrow. We all know they do eventually get married (around a year from this, actually) so, don't worry on that front. Something I wanted to note about Yuri's dialogue at the end:
> 
>  _"Ai shiteru yo"_ is the super-heavy way to say "I love you" in Japanese. And when I say super-heavy, well...
> 
> There are two interesting things that I learned while writing this. The first is that Japanese couples don't usually use pet names. That's why Yuri says Victor's name twice at one point in this chapter: I was going to have a cute pet name but nope apparently that's not done in a meaningful way. I.e., there are words for "darling" and "dear" and all that, but they're not used widely and more frequently used in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way when they are.
> 
> The second thing is that the way of saying "I love you" that Yuri uses here is, especially for men, _incredibly_ uncommon. Apparently, Japanese people consider it to be such a heavy and important thing to say that they don't just say it casually like a lot of Westerners do. It's not like the one-off "I love you's" we say to our friends or the people we've only been dating for a few months. No, this phrase is essentially reserved soley for people you'e been dating forever, are married to, or are getting married to because it has such a heavy significance and deep meaning. 
> 
> I like to imagine that Victor knows this. I like to imagine that he's asked someone, be it Yuri or Minako or even Yuri's mom, how to say "I love you" in Japanese and they told them about this. And I think it really, really helps to emphasize how much Victor means to Yuri and reinforces everything that Yuri's just said. It's a final reassurance that Yuri isn't going to leave and is, in fact, willing to wait forever for Victor. 
> 
> I don't know. It makes me happy just thinking about the two of them being back together. Not all of my ships survive the hurt I put them through, but I'm glad these two did. As many of you know, I'm planning a whopper of a Soulmates!AU for this summer, but I'm thinking I'm going to write a fluff-filled, teeth-rotting one shot about their honeymoon first. They need that. I need that. And I'm glad y'all stuck with me for this long. I know it hasn't been easy. 
> 
> One last chapter tomorrow where Yuri's going to drop a line that I've been thinking about since I wrote the dancing scene in UYRtM. It's great. Muse choked on her water. I died laughing. You'll love it.


	12. Please Believe I Said

Thursday was a quiet day. They slept in late and got lunch with Phichit before heading over to an art museum that Theia and Maria thought Yuri would like. Yuri didn’t mention anything about their talk the night before, but Victor was more aware than ever of Yuri’s presence, the little touches that Yuri landed on Victor’s back, his hands, his arms. They way Yuri leaned into him whenever they were standing still. They were all constant reminders that Yuri was there, that he loved him. All words in the silent language that Yuri had always preferred to use. Victor did his best to respond in the same way, to let Yuri know he understood what Yuri was saying to him and that he loved Yuri too.

The rehearsal and dinner were nice. Victor made small talk with random people he never expected to see again after that weekend while Yuri was constantly called off to help Maria and Theia with things. Phichit reconnected with people he had met during his brief time in college. Yuri pulled Victor back into his arms when they slept that night, and for the second night in a row, Victor slept without any nightmares. He would get used to the permanence of the idea of he and Yuri again someday, hopefully sooner rather than later. He didn’t want to put marrying Yuri on hold forever, but he knew he needed to be certain of them before they did.

Theia and Maria’s wedding was beautiful. The church they had chosen, much like their apartment, suited the two of them perfectly. Small and elegant, but sturdy and proud too. Midafternoon light streamed into the sanctuary through the big stain glass windows, painting everything with shattered rainbows. Victor had barely seen Yuri since they’d arrived. Theia or Maria had needed him for something and he had left Victor with Phichit before the ceremony.

Watching Yuri walk down the aisle, Maria on his arm, was heartbreaking. He had smiled shyly at Victor as he passed and Victor considered what it would be like when that was them. He wanted it to be them, one day, he wanted Yuri to smile at him like that as they met each other at the altar. Yuri paused to kiss Maria’s cheek when they reached the end of the aisle. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes when he stepped away.

Yuri stood proudly behind her for the whole ceremony—it had not been enough, in the end, for Maria to only had Yuri walk her down the aisle. Her younger sister was her maid of honor, but she’d wanted Yuri in her line-up as well. After the ceremony was complete, Yuri was pulled away to take pictures and Victor did his best to make small talk. Mostly, he just stuck by Phichit’s side. Because Yuri had walked Maria down the aisle and the two women considered him to be family, Victor and Yuri sat at the front table when it came time for the reception. Yuri made a toast that had both women sobbing. They each pulled him into a tight hug and whispered something that Victor didn’t catch in his ear.

After dinner, Maria stole the microphone away from the band and sang to Theia. It was a sweet little song, something she had apparently sung to Theia years ago to convince Theia to go out with her. Her voice was beautiful, and she was sincere. Theia blushed. Yuri laughed and took a video of it on his phone to show to them later. When Maria threw her bouquet, Victor deftly snagged it before Phichit could. He handed it off to a blushing Yuri, who then managed to catch Theia’s bouquet before it hit him in the head. If Victor hadn’t known better, he would have said that Theia had been aiming for the two of them. 

After the bouquets had been tossed, after Maria and Theia had danced together , Yuri was pulled away from Victor again.  He danced with Maria, then Theia, then Theia’s mother. On and on and on. Victor settled into one of the spare chairs from the tables nearest the dancefloor to watch. Phichit sat with him for a little bit too before wandering off to dance with an attractive young man who’d been eying him all night. Victor fiddled with the center piece and made designs with the confetti on the table. He fussed with the bouquets he and Yuri had caught. He wasn’t worried about Yuri abandoning him, but it was still lonely. He didn’t fault Maria and Theia and their happiness, but their wedding seemed, somehow, to make Victor question where he was in his life, in his relationship, and it made him sad that even if he wanted that for he and Yuri one day, he wasn’t quite ready for it.

He jumped a little when someone tapped him on the shoulder, but when he turned around, it was Yuri, standing there all tall and pretty in the suit Maria had picked out for him.

“Come on,” Yuri said. “You’ve been abandoned long enough, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to dance with you tonight.”

Victor looked across the dance floor and he was reminded of other nights when he and Yuri had danced together. The restaurant in Petersburg that winter. The banquets for the Grand Prix Finals in the two years before that.

Yuri twined his fingers through Victor’s and pulled him to his feet.

“You can make me say ‘please,’ later,” Yuri whispered into Victor’s ear, pulling him closer.

Victor flushed and huffed out a breathless laugh, but he gave Yuri a small smile, which Yuri returned. Yuri led him onto the dance floor and then he was drawing Victor closer again, one hand on Victor’s waist, the other still holding tight to Victor’s hand. Victor kissed Yuri gently.

“I love you,” he said.

Yuri smiled again and slowly started to twirl them with the music.

“How long I love you?” He sang softly with the music. “As long as stars are above you, and longer if I can.”

Victor laughed again, a little nervously this time. Yuri pulled away and spun Victor around under his arm before tugging Victor back to him again.

“How long will I be with you?” he sang when Victor was back in his arms “As long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand.”

Victor rested his head on Yuri’s shoulder and listened to the low rumble of Yuri singing to him.

“I’m not saying I’m ready,” Victor said, “but one day, when we do get married, can we dance to this at our wedding?”

Yuri turned and pressed a quick kiss to Victor’s cheek. “Of course,” he said.

Victor smiled, and his heart sang a little. One day, he would be ready. One day, he would stand with Yuri at the altar and join his life to Yuri’s until the end of time. And afterwards, Yuri would dance with him to this song, and sing to him and hold onto him when he needed someone to be there. But he didn’t have to rush. He had an eternity of days filled with Yuri’s love stretching ahead of him, an eternity of days where Yuri would be with him, through good and bad, beautiful and ugly.

_ ‘I’m willing to wait forever.’ _

Victor pulled Yuri a little closer to him, and he marveled at how wonderful this life was, and how lucky he was to share it with his Yuri, who was more than Victor could have ever thought to have asked for or hoped to have wanted. His Yuri, who was willing to wait forever for him. His Yuri, who would be with him and love him, forever and ever, into eternity.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY FAM IT'S MUSE'S BIRTHDAY!!!  
> Please be sure to leave her notes in comments. She deserves the love. Also, you can find her on Tumblr at [123-simply-me](http://123-simply-me.tumblr.com) if you want to love her there too. ~~I dare y'all to flood her inbox~~
> 
> On a second, Muse-related sidenote: she read the paragraph summarizing the reception and her only comment was that I had summarized her brother's wedding despite the fact that I wasn't there and I have never felt so powerfully clever/hilarious in my life. 
> 
> Read on for the End Notes! I have treat's for y'all.  
>  ~~especially since I won't be posting anything substantial for a while~~


	13. END NOTES

 

 

** Acknowledgements: **

And once again, I have another blue colored doc. The sight of that, honestly, will never get old. I'm going to miss it for a while.

I know that this was a rough fic. There was a lot of frustration with the Yuri/Victor, the Yuri/Patrick dynamic, Victor's angst and Yuri's seeming disinterest for a lot of this. I hope that Chapter 11 cleared up a lot of that and I'm sorry for a lot of the hurt I put you guys through before we got there. Thank you for sticking with me, for taking the time to read this and leave comments. You guys are the greatest ever and I love you all. If you hadn't been so willing to hear the end of Victor's arc from UYRtM, I never would have published this, so thank you. This one's for all of you.

Secondly, to Muse, who was the first one who suggested that Victor's arc needed to be wrapped up in a tangible way and was open to this as a suggestion of how to do that. Babe, I know I don't always listen to your suggestions and I'm sorry for that. Honestly, none of these fics would be what they were without you by my side, so thank you. I love you to the moon and back. Happy birthday; I can't wait to see what all the future years have in store for us.

Thirdly, to DaftyPhun (that's right, you get a shout out). You dealt with my life being a mess, made art for this before I had even finished writing it, and listened to my midnight ramblings as I wrapped up the writing for this and needed someone to talk to. You're wonderful, and I honestly feel so blessed that I get to have you in my life now. Thank you for everything.

 

 

** Miscellaneous Ramblings! Yay!: **

First and foremost: Here is (most of) my playlist with all of the music that I listened to while I wrote or inspired me to write certain scenes. It goes (mostly) in chronological order with the plot. If you have questions about songs, leave comments: [That Kind of Feeling](https://open.spotify.com/user/batmadge/playlist/3kep6HXrT8lWdpasprMtwi)  
On a related note, I also have a three hour long playlist that I used while writing the Backbeat scene. You can find that [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/batmadge/playlist/3kRJDUobOhVE0kw1gxe7Vq) It's great. Muse and I used a lot when we're studying.

If you're at all interested in seeing what Theia and Maria's apartment looks like, you can find pictures of the main lobby [here](https://batmads-ao3.tumblr.com/post/159198512786) and interior pictures of their apartment [here](https://batmads-ao3.tumblr.com/post/159198404776). They live in the Dave Whitney building.

Patrick was one of the few characters that I really took the time to flesh out and outline in full (more on why in a bit). If you're interested, you can find that outline [here](https://batmads-ao3.tumblr.com/post/159197986901/patrick-oc).

The Letter Patrick wrote to Yuri:

 

 

> Dear Yuri,
> 
> I know the world seems pretty bleak right now. I know you’re looking at everything in your life and thinking “what does any of this matter anyways?” I know you’re questioning every decision you’ve ever made in your life since the beginning. I know you feel stupid. I know you feel weak, and worthless, and beaten down and like absolutely less than dirt because at least dirt serves a purpose in this world and you? You don’t feel like you matter at all.
> 
> I know all of this because I’ve been there. You know I’ve been there. You know there are days that I still land in that spot, even though I don’t really have any logical reason to. And for every time that I’ve felt like this, you’ve been there for me, in whatever capacity I needed you to be.
> 
> That’s why I also know that even though I know exactly how you feel right now, and you know that I know, I also know that none of this makes any difference to you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I cannot stop you from feeling this way, I’m sorry I cannot make you feel better with hugs and blankets and motivational quotes and food and my shitty sense of humor. I’m sorry that you feel like you have to do this on your own and I’m sorry that, to a certain extent, you have to. I’m sorry that I cannot do more to help you. More than anything else right now, darling, I wish I could.
> 
> But I can’t, not really, not when you’re not ready to open the door and let me in yet. So for now, I’m still going to try to do what I can. Here are two things you need to know:
> 
> First and foremost, depression sucks. It’s worse than getting hit by a train, and then a bus, and then getting thrown over the side of a cruise liner into a vat of boiling hot oil so you can become some gunk that gets stuck to somebody’s shoe and eventually get fucked in the ass by like, five hundred flaming chainsaws. But sometimes (especially if you’re like me for the first fourteen years of my life) when you’re unwilling to seek medical help, the only way out is through.
> 
> So, second: don’t cut yourself off from the world. It only makes everything feel worse. I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I will always be waiting for you. And if you ever need me, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Well I am reluctant to speak for them, I know the same can be said for Phichit and Theia as well. We’re your friends. We love you. And we will always be here for you, whether you need someone to talk to or just sit with or whatever.
> 
> If, however, you decide you need to start over from here, I won’t fault you. Just make sure that what you’re doing is really making a fresh start instead of just running away from your problems. If you run away, the demons plaguing you now will always be around the corner, plaguing the back of your mind. Making a clean start means coming to terms with everything that’s happened that brought you here. It means accepting it (all of it, including the ugly bits) and working to build a better, stronger life from the pieces. That’s what I had to do when I moved in with Gramps. It was hard, but I did. If you choose this path, Yuri, just make sure you do it right, and make sure it’s right for you.
> 
> I hope, no matter what, that you’ll keep on skating. I hope that you’ll get up and keep fighting. Be strong, Yuri. Be brave. Remember the lyrics of No Way and live them, even when life feels like absolute dehydrated, decomposing, sitting-on-the-parkway-for-five-months dog shit. Keep going; keep fighting. You’re strong, Yuri. You can make it through this. I believe in you. Find what made you fall in love with skating in the first place and chase after it. Growing doesn’t do you any good if you forget about your roots. Find them. Take care of them. And then keep stretching up and up and up. (How’s that for a shitty plant metaphor?). I know I can’t give you a time turner so you can go back and fix it all, but remember one thing above all else: It’s not over yet. Not unless you want it to be. Don’t let the world tell you what you can and can do. It’s never stopped your plans before. Don’t let it stop you now.
> 
> I love you, always, and I will never give up on you. Not even when you grow hairy and bald and smell bad and are grumpy all the time. I promise. Just promise me that you’ll make it through this, too, okay? Better yet, promise yourself. I hope I get to see you on the other side.
> 
> Faithfully yours,  
>  Patrick

 

 

** Closing Remarks: **

Y'all probably aren't going to hear from me for a while. I have finished the honeymoon one shot. As per usual (for me anyways) it's _short_. And there is no smut because y'all know I avoid writing that if I can (makes me uncomfortable). So what will I be up to in the meantime?

While, first and foremost, shoutout to whoever gave me the link to listen to "It's Quiet Uptown" (I'm sorry but I can't find the comment and I forgot who it was). I started reading/listening to the Hamilton music today (I got the book with the transcript of the lyric's and Lin's notes from the library). So far, I love everything about it, especially Lin's note (he talks about writing the way I do and it makes me happy). For the next week or so, I'm going to be taking some me time and finishing that up. School's been busy and I've missed reading for fun.

Secondly, Muse and I are going to be rewatching Yuri on Ice and not only for fits and giggles! Why?

Because, thirdly, once I'm done with Hamilton (and being buried by schoolwork) I'm going to be devoting my attention to a whopper of a Soulmates!AU that I started planning out while I was writing this and I need to touch base with canon characters before I start. Besides that, all of the original characters you know and love are going to be making an appearance, including the people in this fic (I.e, Patrick and Nolan). There will also be 13-year-old Yurio, a star-obsessed Yuri and a poetry-loving Victor. I'm excited. I'm planning on longer chapters (i.e., chapters with multiple scenes, against my usual) and I already have the first scene done. It's beautiful. There's going to be some Yuri POV but mostly of Victor.

Sidebar on why I used the word "whopper" to describe the Soulmates!AU (Which will be called _Written in the Stars_ , btw): This puppy is going to span about a year and a half. A lot is going to happen. It is going to be heavy on the slow burn. Lots of pining Victor and Yuri not knowing exactly what he wants. Brace yourselves.

And that's all my news! I'm going to miss hearing from you guys every day! Your comments are honestly all that get me through the school day sometimes. The one shot should be up soon, so be on the lookout for that, and I'll be giving updates on Tumblr regarding _Written in the Stars_. Have a great week and I'll see y'all around :)

 **As a side note:** I _loved_ reading all of your comments yesterday and I'm sorry I didn't reply but they were all so beautiful and I didn't want to bother you guys.

 **UPDATE:** Soulmate!AU is finished. If you want to read it, you can do so [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11322216/chapters/25342821)


End file.
